I love you, not your baggage

By CAROLINE CHEBII

Two women who have had to carry their financial cross speak about child support after remarrying.

Karen Atieno, 35

Why did you decide to re-marry?

I felt a lot of emptiness in me. I needed a companion to complete me. I needed somebody my children could call daddy like it happens in a normal family. Besides, there was a lot of pressure from my relatives and friends to get somebody I could settle down with. So, two years ago, I married Robert Odhiambo.

Did you expect him to support your children?

Doris with her three children. She has had to put her two children into boarding school.

After having a very dramatic life with my ex-husband all I wanted was someone to love and take care of me; the rest would be worked out.

I always make a point of not mentioning anything about my children to him because they are mine — I don’t want him to think I am materialistic. But of course when I got married, I expected some kind of financial assistance.

How does he treat your children?

He counsels and advises them and sometimes beats them thoroughly when they do something wrong. But he does not support them financially.

I cover school fees and medical expenses. For example, this year in March, during the International Women’s Day, he bought me a lovely skirt suit and gave it to me in the presence of my neighbours and relatives. They all wondered why the children never received anything.

But love is blind, and I love my husband and he loves me too. Sometimes it’s tricky, but I cannot question his actions because he married me, not my children. He has his reasons. After all, we are about to get our own child.

What’s your fear as concerns your children?

Sometimes I’m frightened to think of what would happen if I went away for long or died. Would he take care of them and provide for them?

It also affects me when the neighbours gossip, because they are already aware of my husband’s attitude towards my children. Because they have been taunted by other children for so long, my children refer to my husband as ‘bwana ya mum’ (mum’s husband).

Have you ever fought about his attitude towards your children?

We always understand that we both have our weaknesses and that our ideologies and differences won’t always tally. Most of the times we try to find the appropriate way to accommodate each other; so, if my children are a problem to him I will take the lead so that we can stay in peace.

My relatives tell me to pray for him and be patient. Many mothers who marry afresh have to deal with such challenges. I believe he will change one day.

Are your children affected by his aloofness?

Since they know what’s happening, I have always let them know that I will always love and support them in every way. I don’t want them to depend on him too much because if he lets them down, it can affect their academic performance.

　

　

　

　

Doris Atieno 37

Why did you re-marry?

After the post-election violence I was jolted out of the single motherhood bliss and I decided to get myself a man who could protect me and care of my children.

The period after the elections was so difficult that I could not cope with the trauma of the skirmishes and the high prices of food. I would say my husband George Abade came to my rescue.

What’s your worst fear as concerns your children?

You know what they say about child sexual abuse. About 60 per cent of child molestation occurs at home. I feared about getting my daughter a stepfather, and could only pray that he would be responsible.

How does your husband relate with your children?

Most of the times my children are not around; they are in boarding schools and when the schools are closed he always insists that they should be taken upcountry for the holidays.

I don’t think he regrets marrying me but one thing I know for sure he minds having my children around.

What is your advice to other women who remarry?

When you marry a man who is not the father of your children, you may love him, but you are never sure that he will love your children. Never fail to own up to your children — let him know exactly how many you have and that they are part of the baggage.

Then let him choose whether to stay with you or not. Men should stop discriminating against single mothers. It’s a small world — those children may be the ones to come to your aid in future.