Separating love from control

By Dr.Brigid Monda

Getting a child is never a big deal. But stumbling into parenthood without prior training on the principles of parenting, discipline, character building or communication is a big deal. It is frustrating when a child’s behaviour turns out contrary to a parent’s expectations.

So how do you successfully deal with a child whose grades are the lowest in class, is disobedient, disrespectful or tries your patience to the limit? Sadly, parents often fail to strike a balance between disciplining with love and controlling the child and often resort to extremes.

Here are five major extremes experts say have serious repercussions on the child’s growth and development:

1 Being an authoritarian: Persons whose parents commanded,dictated and controlled them often pass this family banner to their own children. They fully stifle the child under their command. The child lives under constant fear of retribution as he or she becomes accustomed to punishment day in, day out.

Such a child is likely to become quarrelsome, disobedient, a troublemaker at school, nervous and quick-tempered. He or she never learns to make decisions. Deep feelings of bitterness and resentment often take root, and may later burst into open hostility.

2 Being a permissive parent: Some parents literally let the child take control by easily giving in to their wishes. Thus the child never learns to control his or her own behaviour and discipline becomes a major problem. He or she begins to disrespect his parents, other people or their property. Eventually, he or she displays more emotional problems than a child raised under authoritarian rule.

While a permissive parent assumes they impress their child, it has the opposite effect. Parental permissiveness gives the child the impression that parents do not care about what he or she does or how he or she turns out.

3 Being an unloving parent: Many studies of children in institutions confirm the lasting importance of parental love and attention during the early years of a child’s life. Psychologist, Dr Rene Spitz, observed the reactions of babies in a children’s home where the nursing staff was so busy that each child ‘had only one tenth of a mother.’ Dr Spitz estimates that 30 per cent of the babies died before they were a year old. "Without emotional satisfaction children die," he says, adding: "Emotional starvation is as a dangerous as physical starvation. It is lower but just as effective".

Extreme cases of unloving parents involve the total neglect of a child, abandonment and cruelty. A more commonplace and more subtle kind of rejection is using severe punishment, constantly criticising or nagging a child, seeing only his or her shortcomings, holding a child to unsuitable or unattainable standards, or comparing him unfavourably with others.

4 Being a possessive parent: With good intentions but unfortunately with wrong advise, some parents refuse to allow their children to grow up and develop naturally. Such parents want to show love and concern, but fail to allow their children to take reasonable risks or do things on their own. Their guise is the constant ‘help’ their children need. They want to keep their children as close to and as totally dependent on them as possible. Still others invest much or all their hopes and dreams for the future in their child. Often this occurs in a family where a parent is not getting emotional fulfilment from other sources and so literally needs the child to function as an adult.

Possessiveness and over-concern are a cover-up or compensation for unconscious rejection. A mother may feel guilty for the negativity she feels toward her child. She makes up for it by showing excessive concern and anxiety for the child. We cannot protect a child from life nor should we attempt to, but we are obligated to train him to face life with strength and courage.

5Being opposing parents: Some couples have opposing ideas on how a child should be raised and disciplined. One parent may be harsh and overbearing while the other is more balanced, easygoing and less strict. A parent finds it difficult to step aside when they feel their partner, is not handling a disciplinary situation correctly. Experts advise that stepping aside is exactly what you should do. It is better than the great damage caused to the growing child when he or she witnesses both of you disagreeing over how he or she should be handled. If you have to fight, do it in the privacy of your bedroom!

Though parents may differ in temperament, methods and responses, a child learns rapidly how to respond to each parent and adjusts accordingly and is thus likely to mature normally. If he or she ever learns that he can ‘divide and conquer’, the child is likely to use it against both of you. A child needs to feel secure and this security will only be achieved if parents are consistent in their discipline and rearing methods. His security will be deeply threatened if he sees one parent trying to make up for the lack of the other or if he sees one contradict, argue with, or undermine the stand the other has taken.

Without a doubt, a child needs discipline in an atmosphere of love, and therefore, competent parents always avoid extremes in either love or punishment. If you love your child with a nurturing love, then you can discipline him with the proper balance between love and control.