Many marriages decline when children come in, especially when the couple did not psychologically prepare for parenthood.
Raising a child requires money. If one or both of you did not prepare for parenthood, a nasty war will break out because of money.
1. The man gets a wake up call and flees
For a man who has been just having fun with the woman, he takes off as soon as he finds out the woman is pregnant. Such men scatter when things get serious and no longer find the woman sexy once she gets pregnant. This is how most weak relationships end.
2. The woman regrets sleeping with the man she has been with
Pregnancy gives the woman a reality check. She starts to wonder "Why have I been with this man? I don't see a future with him, this pregnancy ties me to him but this man is not good for me".
3. It leads to an ugly fight about abortion
In relationships that are not serious, pregnancy leads to an ugly fall out where usually the man suggests or even demands an abortion to escape responsibility but the woman doesn't want to do it. In rare cases, the man wants the baby kept but the woman doesn't say "I am not ready for this" especially when she is not sure of the man.
4. It diminishes the quality of marriage
Many marriages decline when children come in, especially when the couple did not psychologically prepare for parenthood. They differ in parenting skills, they deny each other attention and focus only on the children, they drift apart, if one of them is passive and often absent (usually the man) the other feels like they are doing parenting alone leading to arguments.
5. It makes a couple stronger
For some couples, getting a child makes them appreciate each other more. They do parenting together, they find a way to balance marriage and parenting, they see the children as an extension of their love.
6. It unearths hidden fears and truths
Sometimes pregnancies reveal hidden secrets. Some have gotten to find out their partner has a hidden child during the back and forth arguments about having a child. Some say insulting things to their partner in these moments of uncertainty which are their true feelings.
7. It makes some people stay in marriages they wanted to leave
Some people wanted to leave an abusive or toxic marriage but then they end up staying, especially if they are financially struggling and can't stand on their own. Children have kept many in dead marriages. Unfortunately, some children are being raised in toxic environments.
8. It makes some people who were not serious about each other to marry each other
Some people feel forced to marry someone they have a child with because of pressure from family. Some end up growing to love each other, others feel trapped and end up detesting both the spouse and child they did not want.
9. It brings about financial conflicts
Raising a child requires money. If one or both of you did not prepare for parenthood, a nasty war will break out because of money. The one least prepared will complain the most and seek loopholes to abdicate responsibility instead of accepting, managing and cooperating.
10. It inspires some couples to work even harder
Some couples rise to their best self when they get children. Doors open for them, they become more focused, outgrow some behaviors, work harder, become better adults because they know their child/children depends on them.
11. It complicates further an already complicated marriage
Some people who are in a marriage already in trouble think that getting a child will solve issues but it does the opposite. Work on your marriage.
12. It alters the life of the woman
Pregnancy tends to affect the woman more than the man. If she gets dumped by the man, she will have to find a way as a single mother. If she aborts, she is the one who will have to wrestle with the guilt and emotional battles. Society will judge her the most if she is a single mother. Her body will drastically change perhaps affecting her self-esteem. If she is married, she might have to put on hold her dreams or growth path as an individual to focus on the children. If she suffers postpartum depression it will make her feel misunderstood and damage her relationships. When a man fails to understand this, he might end up pulling her down instead of lifting her up. Some men because of lack of understanding end have having affairs when the wife is pregnant or when she is busy raising children. This abandonment of the woman makes her feel rejected and used.
13. If affects the sex life in marriage
Sex life will have to be adjusted when children come into the picture. Instead of looking for sex outside, find ways to maintain intimacy as you understand the different seasons your marriage will go through.
14. It brings joy to a couple that was in expectation
For a couple that has been trying to get a baby in vain, the news of pregnancy is the greatest. Such a couple will treasure that child.
© Dayan Masinde
To purchase the MANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word MAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.
To purchase the WOMANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word WOMAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer
We have booked the venue for next month's MOTO MOTO COUPLE SEMINAR to be held on Sunday, November 10th 2019 at the August 7th Memorial Park Conference Hall in Nairobi (opposite Railways bus stage, next to Co-Operative Bank House). The time is 2:30pm to 6pm. The theme is SEX AND INTIMACY where we will address the sexual and emotional health of your marriage and how it affects how you two relate.
The charge is Kenya Shillings 500 per person. Come with your spouse or come take notes for you and your spouse. To book your spot or for enquiries call or text 0721590954.
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