Bad boy: Family holidays are a feminine idea

Family holidays are a feminine idea. You have never heard a man say he needs to go on vacation with his family.

If women did not exist, men would stay in Nairobi all year round and make millions without ever driving elsewhere “to rest”.

Unless he is an adventurous and curious type, then he may want to see interesting things in the world, maybe climb a mountain…

Married middle-class men are dragged to expensive family holidays every year. The wife, mistress or girlfriend commonly pick the destination... unless, it is a woman he really wants to impress. In that case, he has to take her to the place he thinks he will score maximum points.

It is women who enjoy vacations. That is why 19 out 20 vacation photos you see online are of women in bikinis. It is not because men are less showy, or the women too vain. It’s just that holidays work better for women. And your last vacation was not any different.

You arrived at your holiday destination to a bad start -- nothing much improved. After the abrupt transfer to a more expensive hotel -- a terrible snub to your choice -- your moods didn’t improve. 

First, kids don’t deserve holidays. It is not like you remember what you did when you were six. With teenagers, it is understandable. But a holiday for a seven-year-old and a two-year-old are a waste of money and resources. How do you even coordinate?

Farrah can swim an entire afternoon away. Little Roy, on the other hand, is a full time job, you won’t even have time for adult things. During the day, he is all over the place, almost falling into swimming pools or enjoying the sand a bit too much.

At night, he is ever active. By the time, he sleeps, neither of you has the energy to even touch the other. What is the point?

It is not like you will sit somewhere and talk. No sooner do you start a conversation than the kid demands attention. So you take turns taking care of the boy.

Women always have weird ideas for bonding. Carol expected that spending time relaxing together as a complete nuclear family can help to strengthen the bonds. As if the bonds were weak to begin with.

She wanted to relax, but Roy ensures that she gets none of that. And since looking after young children is not exactly your strength, you are not being helpful either.

Carefully though, Caroline does not complain. Your role is to count the hours. By the third day, you are so bored, you could count sand on the beach to kill off the boredom.

Thankfully, Caroline goes to visit a friend with the children and you get the chance to spend the fourth day lazing around and grabbing a drink with old friends.  

Flying back, you make a mental note to remember to next time and forever always have a nanny to help during moments you want some time away from kids. Better still, to never go for a family vacation. Or do so once every five years.

French novelist Michel Houellebecq once wrote, “On beach holidays, as perhaps in life more generally, the only truly enjoyable time of the day is breakfast.”

Because holidays suck.

[email protected]