Open letter to 27-year-old man looking for a wife

I know you’ve finished university, you’ve landed your first job, and now you can’t wait to settle down with somebody and get married. Whether you’re following the traditional route of having an arranged marriage or you propose to someone you meet at school/work…here are a few tips, I would like to share;

1. Searching for a wife is not hunting. She is not prey. You are not a caveman. In other words, please be civilized when it comes to asking someone to marry you. Don't follow a girl around belting out “Mere dil” love songs, and make her unbearably uncomfortable. And if she says no, or her parents say no, please have some shame and self-respect to not pursue her any further. In other words, don't be creepy.

Unfortunately, because of all the Bollywood movies from the 70s and 80s, boys have this idea that if they pursue a girl long enough, she would turn around, notice him, fall in love with him and they would end up sailing together into the sunset. And sometimes it does work, which is quite unfortunate because it just reinforces the idea in the male psyche to just keep at it hoping that she’ll come around and say yes in the end.However, this is 2018.

We live in a world where if you are told, “No,” you need to respect that and walk away because if you don’t, it’s called harassment.2. Approach the negotiation table with a bargaining chip in your hand. This is especially true for traditional marriages. Don’t go to Aunty Matchmaker with these rules;

–She must be beautiful

–She must be able to cook every last recipe in the Swahili cookbook

– She must be of pleasant character

– She must be ready to give birth to a football team (with a couple of extras)

Before setting out your demands, ask yourself, “What are you bringing to the relationship?”And if your answer is, “I’m bringing myself,” then please think again, because whether you like to believe it or not, you’re not a bargaining chip.

3. Shop in the right market for you. In our modern world, there are three types of women.-

Type 1; those who just want to get married, have babies and sit at home. There’s nothing wrong with that because motherhood can be quite a fulfilling experience.-

Type 2; those who pursue an education and pursue a career and are willing to quit their careers for a family. Again, no problem if that’s what the girl wants.-

Type 3; those for whom quitting their careers is non-negotiable even if they get married and have children. So how do such women end up managing a house? With loads and loads of help raising the children and doing the house chores – from the husband.

So if you’re going for Type 3, then you must be ready to accept the responsibilities that come with that. Don’t get mad if you go home tired one day and discover there’s no food on the table. Don’t get mad if you have to raise a baby on your own for a week because of a conference she’s organizing.

In other words, if you’re not willing to help in any form or way with the children and house chores, then search for Type 1 and Type 2 women, because there are many of those around. Don’t even bother with Type 3 women.

4. Don’t be a hypocrite. You know one of those guys who go around dating everyone that walks in a skirt, and then when time comes for him to settle, he goes all, “I only want the purest of the pure.” What makes you think you deserve her? Your very high respect for women, perchance? Or your impeccable character? Or your dashing looks? Simply said, clean up your act and don’t be a hypocrite.

5. Last but not least, if you’re already married, and you’re still looking for a second wife, I don’t know what to say to you. “Don’t be selfish,” for starters. Unfortunately, a lot of men get a second wife for selfish reasons without even considering the effect of that – on his first wife, his children, and his wallet.

Getting a second wife is no child’s game. There are responsibilities that come with opening a second house, starting with the basic one of treating them with equality. There’s more to life than collective wives.

Most importantly, consider your first wife’s feelings. And if you really don’t care about her feelings, ask yourself why you’re still married to her to begin with.