Gone with the wind: Here's why younger people ghost their partners

Ghosting! A phenomenon where someone in a seemingly serious relationship becomes elusive - almost unprovoked. They vanish from your sphere of life; leaving you clutching at straws; figments; imaginations - ghosts. Apparently, it is a common relationship dynamic these days. No quarrel, no fight, no argument - just up and go; lie low and avoid your love interest. It seems to be a Gen-Z phenomenon. In the good old days, without the sophistication of smartphones and city life, people dated village mates who were practically next-door neighbours. Where would you vanish to? Plus, boy-girl flings moved fast. By the time one was thinking of 'ghosting', a foetus was already baking in the oven. Our forefathers dealt with relationship upheavals by doing the opposite of ghosting: fast-tracking courtship, for instance. If need be, an animal would be slaughtered and libation poured to appease ancestors unhappy with the relationship. Why they believed that 'cementing' acrimonious couples into marriage would foster commitment, love and unity, is baffling. Smartphone world Advancement in technology has made human interaction easier and instant. The information superhighway is now where hearts connect. Couples no longer need to be in close proximity to keep in touch. Want to say hi? The smartphone can do that. That goes for a casual discussion, a romantic chit-chat, even sexting. Sheila Wachira, a relationships expert and counsellor, says it is much easier to zone out someone in the smartphone world. "Calls and texts can be blocked nowadays. Or just ignored. And you find yourself ghosted," she says. The most pertinent question is, though, why do people ghost? According to psychologists, there are myriad reasons for this cold gesture. "Some of them are just being avoidant," says Catherine Mbau, a counselling psychologist. "They no longer want the relationship but are too afraid of hurting the other person." She says such people get paralysed by confrontation. Avoiding the fallout that would arise from communicating their feelings is a coping mechanism. Counselling psychologist Catherine Mbau. Another group of ghosters, Mbau says, are playing power games. "They want to make a statement. They know they mean something to you and want you to want them even more," says Mbau. "It is a passive-aggressive way of wanting to have more power over the other person. They could also be responding to not being heard in the relationship," she adds. And then, there are people who go missing upon realising their goal. Wild-eyed lotharios belong in this category. Wachira says lotharios, best described as men who behave selfishly and irresponsibly in their sexual relationships with women, are notorious for this. "The goal could be that they wanted money or something from you. Or they just wanted to sleep with you," says Wachira. She says men are fond of taking off - never to be seen, heard or smelt again once they get the cookie. "Men love chasing love interests. After 'conquering' her, he loses interest because the goal is achieved. Women, too, could ghost men after sex. It's just that men are usually the perpetrators," she explains. Having got what they were after, and feeling a little beholden, ghosters find it convenient to just vanish: more or less like a conman along Nairobi's River road. Wachira says she has counselled many a woman who showed up at her practice with depression or stress after their love interest ghosted them. "They have invested in the relationship and it is therefore heart-breaking when the person they love goes missing from their lives," she says. Victims of violence In some instances, the psychologists agree that a ghoster would be a victim of violence seeking safety away from their abuser. "After suffering at the hands of someone who they trusted to be loving and caring, some people decide to leave and disconnect. "They are running away from abuse. And in so doing, some do not want to risk greater harm. They no longer feel loved and would not want to give their abusers closure on why they are leaving," says Mbau. Wachira on her part says that more and more people want to protect their mental health - which can take a battering in relationships. "Abuse could be physical or emotional. One who has been abused eventually will want to run away for their own peace of mind," she says. Millicent Mumbi from Makutano in Mwea could fall in this category. "I ghosted someone after I realised that they just wanted to string me along. They were never serious with me," she says. Mumbi had been in a serious relationship with a guy she met in university. In 2017, she conceived. As the pregnancy developed, she began to hear rumours that his parents did not like her. "They did not want their son marrying a Kikuyu. He was talking up getting back with his high school girlfriend," she says. The guy was blowing hot and cold, all the while hinting at marrying someone else. Mumbi says the relationship was not getting on well. "In 2018, I made the decision to cut him off my life because I did not want to wait for someone who did not know what they wanted. "I changed my phone number. I also changed my Facebook account. Then I cut off our mutual friends as well to make sure he had no ways of tracking me," she says. "It was my way of moving on from a relationship that was not working." Mumbi says the man did make effort to get her back, but she made sure every effort was thwarted. She did not want to get back together. Had Mumbi been part of a fresh relationship, Wachira would have said she was merely afraid of intimacy and commitment. "For some people, the reality of closely and intimately interacting with someone else hits home when things start getting serious in a way that feels uncomfortable, leading them to ghost," Wachira says. Fleeing responsibility Another group of ghosters want to run away from responsibility. Their motivations closely mimic those who have achieved their goals. Remember the lotharios? These ghosters are the people who do not want to take responsibility. It could be responsibility for a pregnancy or responsibility for infecting someone with an STI. Felix*, 28, would fall in this category. In 2016, he was involved with a girl who ended up pregnant for him. "I was not ready to be a father. I did not have a job. And I didn't want to pretend that I could handle the situation," he says. Felix relocated back to the village and got himself a new number, leaving the girl with little power to track and chase after him. "I didn't know what else to do," he says. The last type of ghosting that the psychologists identify is in situations where one becomes suspicious of desperation. Wachira says that, "When a love interest becomes too amiable - almost like they are desperate - it may turn the other party off. "For instance, you will find a girl who asks to move into a boyfriend's house a week after agreeing to a relationship. Or a man who calls the girl every hour of the day. This reeks of desperation and it can make the other person suspicious, causing them to run and hide." Allan Gichinga* ghosted a lady just like that. He says: "She came to my place every day, uninvited. I was shocked by her behaviour because while she was friendly, I did not know what her plan around me was." People who ghost others have different motivations, says Mbau: some nefarious and some warranted. But in many cases - except for the time one is trying to keep off an abuser - there is a level of narcissism that fuels the behaviour - a character flaw that borders on the sociopathic. Regardless, both Mbau and Wachira say that ghosting is bad both to the ghoster and the ghosted. In other words, getting ghosted is not fun.

Gone with the wind: Here's why younger people ghost their partners

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Gone with the wind: Here's why younger people ghost their partners

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