‘Mpango wa kando’ gone mad
By Tony Ngare
I am wont to dismiss those who call FM stations every morning with all manner of bedroom tales and escapades as no more than psychos, people out to outdo each other in the most obscene way and pollute our airwaves. However, after hearing what befell Frao’s neighbours the other day I have changed my mind considerably.
If Frao is not having drama in his life, then it’s other people’s turn. Drama and scandals seem to shadow Frao’s every move.
Last weekend, Frao texted me at about seven in the morning. "Let’s meet at the usual, meat is on me." I called him back with the intention of rebuking him.
"Frao, it’s seven in the morning, I have not even had breakfast and you are going on about beer? Have you finally lost it?" I asked.
"No, no, no," he said, going on the defensive. "It’s just that I have a juicy story to share, and wanted to ensure you don’t fail to turn up."
As it turned out, Frao indeed had a juicy story to tell.
In the hustle and bustle of life today, it’s sometimes hard to pay attention to little things, or to take some for granted. Frao’s neighbours seemed a happily married couple. However, a small mix-up put paid to this perception a fortnight ago.
The couple happen to own similar mobile phones and in the rush to get the staff bus, the wife inadvertently took her husband’s mobile. On leaving the house, the man took the other phone and drove off with it to work.
At about 10am, an SMS arrived in the man’s cell phone (which of course was in the hands of his wife). It was from the ‘electrician’. It read: "Hi baby, how have U been? Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to wait for a whole week to have you. Can’t we have a 50:50 just like Kibaki and Raila? Luv u."
As was to be expected, the woman hit the roof. She started dialling her husband to confront him, but as is the case with most Fridays the network had gone on a safari. Her call couldn’t go through. Half an hour later came another SMS. This time it was from the ‘car wash guy’. "Good morning sweetie, hope uko sawa. Your son is unwell, he spent the whole night coughing. I’m off to take him to hosi. Could we meet at Dr Yogi’s clinic?" The lady went dizzy. The fact that her man had another family sent her into paralysis.
On the other side of town, the husband was having a somewhat busy morning when the first SMS interrupted his busy schedule at around 10am.
It was from ‘Susan wa bags’. He resisted reading his wife’s text for about 10 minutes before succumbing.
"Baby, you rock. I thought I was the one to teach you all the hottest moves but kumbe. Can’t wait for next time. Have a good day swiri," wrote ‘Susan wa bags’.
The man experienced a cold sweat. He was both mad and worried. Mad that his wife had the temerity to have a ‘side dish’ and worried that she might also have come across incriminating evidence on his conduct.
Before he could compose himself, another text came in. It was "Carol wa vitenge" texting to say: "Sasa, you are so lost, kwani you stopped bringing your chama meetings here? Missing you, Mike."
While the man was gnashing his teeth, another text message was getting into his phone. It showed that it originated from ‘hardware’: "Baby, leo sina class, lectures za afte zimebounce, can we hook up much earlier? Luv Stessy."
Can you imagine what transpired that evening as they exchanged their phones?
Move over death, it’s time for higher gloryThese days, no one dies. They don’t pass away or kick the bucket, either. They are just promoted to glory. That’s why the pastor tells you not to wail at your loss but to bless ‘Ga-aad’ for "although we loved the departed, God loved him more".
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