My wife wants me to use condoms

By Nyambura Maina

My wife and I have been married for four years. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but we still enjoy each other’s company. Recently, she requested that we use condoms during sex because she suspects I am unfaithful to her. This is unfair since I have never brought home any diseases and I am committed to my family. Why should I consent to her request when I am the one to suffer? Please advise

Teddy Ong’ale

Married couples are, unfortunately, not immune to the HIV and Aids scourge. If recent findings by the National Aids/STI Control Programme (Nascop) are anything to go by, then married individuals need to take a more proactive role in preventative measures.

According to Nascop, the rate of HIV infections among married couples is alarmingly high, between 55,000 to 100,000 new infections each year.

That said, you feel victimised and falsely accused by your wife because you maintain that you have never brought home any sexually transmitted disease. The use of condoms is distasteful to you since using them suggests that your wife is correct in doubting you. This issue has brought tension between the two of you because your wife feels justified in her request and you feel you are being made to suffer for something you haven’t done. Put an end to the tension by going for an HIV test.

Getting tested together may give your wife the proof and reassurance that she needs. She is thinking of her future and the future of the family when she says ‘No’ to unprotected sex. She has every right to ask for safe sex, especially if she feels she might be at risk. Put her fears to rest by consenting to her request and further, by going for a blood test.

Married women in our patriarchal society, more often than not are obliged to give into their husbands demands regarding sex. Women have little or no say about their bodies in marriage. Many women are violated by their husbands and saying no is not an option. Insisting on the use of condoms might even earn a wife a thorough beating in some homes.

Your wife’s effort to keep herself healthy and the family intact is a commendable act and needs to be lauded rather than put down. Respect her wishes and respect her body. Being committed to your family means that you take all measures to protect them from harm.

Common counsel:

No glove, no love

My wife lives abroad and comes to visit on occasion. The last visit was a volatile one because she heard on the grapevine that I had been seeing someone else. She insisted that we use condoms otherwise she would not sleep with me. Condoms reduce my sensitivity and the whole process of putting them on is awkward and disruptive. For me, sex becomes boring when I have to use condoms. I have decided to go for an HIV test in her presence so that she can be convinced that I am okay and healthy. You, too, can do it. Go for the test, it means everything to your relationship.

Muchiri, 49

Power mismatch

I have watched my best friend suffering because she does not have the courage to ask her husband to use protection. She complains constantly about him coming home late and she has received reports of his infidelity from concerned friends. She worries that her husband will infect her with a disease but he intimidates her, especially when he comes home drunk. I have tried to advise her to talk to her husband but every time she tries she either chickens out or her husband dismisses the topic. Sometimes I feel she should just pack up and leave before her life is ruined for good. At least your wife is bold enough to tell you. Don’t dismiss her concerns.

Leslie, 32

Maintain status quo

It is not possible to dictate to a man how to have sex. A woman’s duty when married is to cater to the needs of her husband and children. If he cannot get what he wants at home then he will be forced to hunt elsewhere. It would be a sign of complete disrespect for my wife to make such a request. She knows I would not entertain such nonsense. It is unfortunate that Aids campaigns have made our women become stubborn and bigheaded. It is all right for single people to be cautious on HIV and Aids, but married couples should be left alone.

James, 43

Immediate gratification

It is no surprise that the Aids pandemic continues to spread in our nation. Our values as a society are warped. Where else do you hear of men willing to pay a prostitute more money for sex without a condom? I don’t understand the reasoning behind it. Men say that sex is better without a condom but do they think about tomorrow and the consequences of their actions? It is obvious they don’t. They dwell instead on immediate gratification for their greedy sexual appetites. This is why the war against Aids will never be won.

Ruth, 40

Marriage not a viable option

When you have a man in your life you want to feel protected and safe. For us women to consider marriage the man must bring something to the table — like a fat pay cheque, complete devotion to his wife and family and protection from intruders. It is also his responsibility to protect the family from unnecessary ordeals such as contracting HIV. As a young woman still in college, I feel the above characteristics are lacking in our men so I am choosing to remain single for a long time. At least with a boyfriend he will not fuss about using protection during sex because he too wants to avoid unwanted pregnancies and STIs.

Lydiah Muindi

You don’t deserve her

This just confirms how selfish some men can be. Providing for your family means material and emotional support including being faithful to your wife. Cultivate your marriage and prune the weeds that cause you to go and seek sexual pleasure outside your marriage. If it was your wife who was seeking favours elsewhere would you grant her the opportunity she has given you? You honestly don’t deserve her. All that she is asking is for you to use a condom because she wants to keep her marriage intact and you dare say you are getting hurt? If you want to be safe with her and not use condoms, stick to her alone because even biblically she has enough reason to divorce you.

Jane Ndule

Earn her trust

Your wife is convinced you are unfaithful. Having been faithful to her for four years, your distress is understandable. Building a strong trust, which is a foundation for a successful marriage, can be an uphill task. Find out why your wife does not trust you and rectify the situation. You have to earn her trust again. In the meantime, use a condom.

Godfrey Momanyi, 21

No smoke without fire

Teddy, all marriages have ups and downs, but to reach a point where your wife is requesting to use condoms during sex is very serious. This means either she suspects you of infidelity or she is unfaithful. Where there is smoke there is fire. Make sure you don’t get burnt and visit a VCT together without further delay.

Michael Olando, USA