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Why I won't be marrying my best friend

By Beryl Wanga Itindi | October 31st 2020

How close are you to your partner? In my early twenties, there was this one line that was drummed into my head in regards to marriage; get married to your best friend. This got me looking at my closest male friends a certain way. I got so confused about how to treat them.

I have never fallen in love with anyone I considered a best friend. Maybe I have fallen in love with a friend but I have never held onto a friend long enough for him to become my best friend then fall in love with him. You see, I fall in that group of people who find love from strangers.

Come to think of it, everyone I have dated approached me as a stranger -- whether we met at a function or in college or just online; then slowly we got to know each other and graduated to dating. So I still get confused whenever I am told to get married to my best friend. I look at male friends and wonder what it would be like if we decided to date or get married. That possibility has never sat well with me.

One time, I approached my pastor for some relationship counselling after the man I was dating started misbehaving. By the way, I still can’t believe that I actually walked myself to a church to tell on this man who didn’t even belong to that church in the first place. Some of these stunts that love makes us pull are out of this world because this man still walked away.

Anyway, I was telling you how I went to my pastor who started telling me that I was in a better position to date my best friend. This was after he asked me several questions about the man which I wasn’t in a position to answer because I honestly had no idea what the answers were. To be sincere with you, I have never been as confused as I was after the relationship ended. I was there trying to figure out who among my best male friends I was going to date next.

One time, a friend who wasn’t even among my best friends hit on me. I must say it felt like the weirdest thing to me. I felt like our friendship was about to go down the drain. I mean, how do you date and marry your friend without denting the friendship? The way I love being ‘babied’ by my man in a relationship! How do you even start to suddenly throw tantrums and sulk for a friend who has known you for years.

The same friend who has seen you fight a gorilla single-handedly should now be rushing to help you when a rat runs across the living room? This just doesn’t add up.

Needless to say both the friendship and the dating came to a sudden halt. I vowed to never to look at my best friends as potential ‘snacks’. So I am still here sticking to love that is nurtured from the blues.

I am, however, curious to know what it feels like to date or even get married to your best friend. How does this work? Do you get hold of your best friend, start dating them and marry them or do you date and marry a random human then make them your best friend?

This man of God I went to seek advice from told me that the reason I should consider getting married to my best friend is that whenever we have an argument and differ as a couple, we can forget the couple bit and hold onto each other as friends till we make up.

Seriously, I am still trying to understand how this works. As in if I argue and differ with my husband, I can refuse to talk to him as spouse but talk to him as a friend? So we carry on the day as friends until we sort out our issues? Is that even practical? You who got married to your best friends, is that practical? I have not been able to separate friendship from love. They come intertwined.

So I will just sit here and protect my best friends by saying ‘no’ when they make a move. Dear best friends, you are there to help patch up my heart when it has been broken by my man, not to be one of the men lining up to break my heart.

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