Dating cougars

 

Some guys love dating cougars. Older women have cool houses, expensive cars and lots of money — but is it really worth it? Gardy Chacha finds out

Life is a hassle! And for many young men, you can either choose to go dirty and survive, or suffer the misfortune of living a life of poverty but maintain the good image.

When the late Wambui Otieno and a then nondescript stone mason Kamau Mbugua married and subsequently confessed to have had something going on between them, many were astonished.

It was hard to fathom why a seemingly young man would leave his young, nubile girlfriend to be with a 68-year-old woman, rich to the skin and endowed with life’s niceties. But it’s a jungle out there; every breath you take as a young man not only keeps you alive but also gives you more time to worry about how you will survive —because survival is for the fittest and if you are not fit, you might as well be fitted.

Kevin Njoroge who graduated from a local university last year is conversant with living a life bankrolled by a cougar. He had the choice of struggling to make it with the little finances channelled to him by his folks but he didn’t want to live the hardship when most of his campus buddies seemed to be getting by just fine. In the campus cafeteria, he met and began dating an older woman undertaking her Master programme. To him, it was something he had to do though he was certain that neither his friends nor parents would approve of it if they got to know.

We are in a new era where older women are dating younger men. You need to look no further than our society to see the trend. In fact, dating sites where you can meet sugar mummies are proliferating the Web. Blogs and many other social networking sites are teeming with cougar life.

Kimani Githongo, a counselling psychologist, explains that the most fundamental and basic layers of the Maslow pyramid contain deficiency needs which are: esteem, friendship, love, security, and physical needs like breathing, water, food and sex.

Sugar mummies, therefore, desire to have satisfaction of a basic need that is sexual in nature. In the process, they also satisfy an ego — the sheer feel of being in control over a man.

Older woman

Kevin says that being in a relationship with an older woman is not as tragic as people may think because apart from being older, the woman still has ‘womanly’ features which, according to him, are still desirable. At the onset of their relationship, he would get creepy feelings when they met in public but that waned with time and things eventually settled. Their relationship was mutual  — he got comfort while the woman got companionship and love.

According to Githongo, greed and lust on the part of young people who are lazy, lack motivation and are clueless on how to win the love of women their age, or younger, is a fundamental drive in initiating sugar mummy relationships.

“The young men want their needs satisfied without hard work and to live a high life, which they cannot afford on their own,” quips Githongo.

Ferdinand Ochieng’ too, is in a relationship with an older woman. “Ours is strictly professional. She calls when she needs me and she’s fine with me going out with my girlfriend since we met when I had one,” he says.

On his part, Ferdinand has no qualms having the cougar on the side. What instils fear in him though is the inclination, which favours the woman as the sole decision-maker.

Need money

“You need the money and so, when she declares that she needs a night of thrill without protection, then you pray that deity protects you,” laments Ferdinand.

Githongo adduces that sugar mummies abhor being controlled. They will also make demands at their own convenience since they would want to try out new sexual tricks, techniques and styles without any inhibition.

Ferdinand also says that since the woman has money and clout, he is tamed and wouldn’t even think of exposing her in the event that he was harmed.

“You never know who she’s connected to in government or corridors of power,” he says.

History shows that women have been derided for a long time in a male dominated world and, therefore, there’s an instinctual drive on the part of many independent women to use young men as payback for the vile they’ve been subjected to.

Picture this: an older woman initiates a move at a social place or you bump into one through connections. She is financially well up, groomed and idle, probably without a husband or with one who is too busy to be in her life. She might be a single mother, an alcoholic, or a sex addict. When such a woman approaches you and strikes a conversation that hovers around intimacy, what would she be looking for?

In the end, as a young man, you find yourself entangled in a web where you can’t escape and might even lose your life sluggishly. This is because if the woman is married to a powerful man and he discovers about the affair, you might never live to articulate your innocence.

Like Ferdinand, you will constantly face the risk of contracting an STI, which might not be treatable in many instances.

Permanent job

Githongo adds: “These ties may lead to failure of a young man securing a permanent job to earn income, inability to have a normal relationship, or the obscenity of living without upkeep if the woman decides to terminate the relationship.”

Bottom line, the society we live in has ideals. At some given point, everyone faces hardships. However, not many of them decide to take a radical path such as having a sugar mummy. It is like grazing on a tuff whose greens you never participated in propagating. In the end, you stand to lose more than the woman in question.

Like Githongo puts it, instead of building on a future, you seek temporary luxury that will lead to heartache, shame and guilt. It might be sweet now, but it most likely won’t last.