Jamhuri and sale of false hope

A directive from the president’s official jet reached us requiring Sue to lead Jamhuri celebrations in the village and to pass the message of hope ahead of Santa’s coming.

Gitegi has no heroes who fought for independence, and we still see traces of Harold’s colonial rule in Sue’s administration.

We hastily organised a guard of dishonour, a group of drunkards that Sue endorsed, the bare minimum Gitegi can produce.

We then rallied villagers to the Harold Assembly of Holy Associates’ (HAHA) grounds where Sue would be making her speech.

After the entertainment, which included a few Kamande wa Kioi songs from revellers Sue brought and a march organised by Gitegi Hornets’ Surveillance Team (GHOSTs), a mysterious team which keeps the peace by whipping drunks and miscreants at night, Sue stood for her speech. It was a craftily made speech and I stand guilty as charged for that.

Sue spoke about what her administration aims to do in the next countless years in power, appealing to the few men who wear belts to tighten them as the government threw away theirs because they had outgrown them.

This left us to collect them if need be, and also as they could use these belts to whip us into submission under their imminent dictatorship.

Sue also reminded us not to be worried about her borrowing because she was revenging for all those years we had borrowed from her pub, saying: “What goes around comes back around, don’t you know?”

She reminded us that at the end of her tenure, the village would be so transformed no one would recognise it.

“We want to hit rock bottom because once there, the only way is up,” she said. “Those who are interested in this endeavour can register already, and the University of Aliona will be awarding degrees to everyone present today.”

Sue also said that there were many people she intended to honour with village commendations, with Githendu’s nephew Octo(pus) the night runner receiving his eighth, and highest, honour, Head of Elusive Ghostly Giants (EggHead) for his profession.

Many others were awarded because awards had to be dished out anyway, and some of us who felt excluded have since been ranting in the shopping centre and elsewhere about the unfairness of the awarding.

Sue also stood in defence of her cabinet, which now has more assorted alcoholic drinks than ever before. It is rumoured a lot of that money is taken out of the public coffers she claims to have found empty, a ploy to fool us into thinking she is being austere and prudent.

The government, faulted for a lack of sobriety, is on high alert, she said, and she is ready to weed out any elements that prevent high performance. She will not tolerate any toxicity, not at the pub, not in her administration.