Sue appoints new clique to rule village

Sue’s kitchen cabinet this week sat to be cross-examined by anyone that cared.

The appointees were majorly those who have been in Sue’s circles; one of them was in her triangle, one of the love triangles that made Harold boot her out.

As the most learned man in the village, I was among those who sat on the interviewing panel. I was, however, under oath to ask irrelevant questions. If I did not, Sue was going to disband the Judiciary, rendering me jobless.

My uncle Harold had applied for a job in Sue’s Cabinet but was told he could not be absorbed as he is too big to fit in the Cabinet. Both literally and hypothetically, I knew, because having been the leader of the village, it would be a little disappointing to see Harold opt for a lower position out of desperation. Also because Harold is too big to fit into the cabinet inside which all the village liquor is stored by Sue.

Instead of asking what the appointees would do for the village, we asked what they would not do. I asked Githendu, for example, how he was going to ensure that he upheld the tradition of corruption that makes the village special.

Someone else asked him, to test his IQ, why we had a torch to introduce light into the darkness and no device to introduce darkness into light. We realised he did not have any IQ of note, just as did the interviewer, and thus found Githendu qualified for the job.

One thing that this Sue administration is keen on doing is lambasting the immediate former administration for everything that has gone wrong in the village. Week in and week out, Clarissa, who is Sue’s mouthpiece, finds something to hit back at Harold for.

“We found a dry village. The Harold government ensured we would not have rain. We cannot fix this mess within a day. Give us eternity to right this wrong,” she told a drunk gathering the other day.

They have complained that Harold’s administration also used intimidation in the past many years to get people to underperform on their duties. While Sue and co believe in underperformance, they will not use coercion methods akin to what was applied by their predecessor to get people to not work.

So much blame has been directed towards him that Harold, during Sunday mass at his church Harold Assemblies of Holy Associated (HAHA), on Sunday found it fit to respond to the new regime.

“We are no longer conversing for votes,” he said, mispronouncing the word canvassing I had written in his speech.

“The party in power should perform. Sorry, underperform. We indeed left empty coffees (he meant coffers) but that is not because we brewed (blew) the fortunes.”

While Sue had planned not to reward any supporter of Harold with a position in her government, she quickly realised that Harold had good employees and the only reason the government was underperforming was because of Harold himself.

So, one last appointment that Sue made this Friday was making yours truly, a Pete, against all odds, the village spokesperson. This means that for the second administration in a row, I will be the chief propagandist in the village and also the head of the Judiciary, which is responsible for prosecuting all propagandists.