City holiday, ushago style

By James Maina

It is always interesting to host rural children in the city, as some of these visits are like scenes taken straight from Hekaya za Abunuwasi. Two weeks ago, my brother’s son, Saimo, paid us a visit. It was the first time he had set foot in Nairobi.

In terms of lifestyle, there was a wide rift between Saimo and his city cousins, and I witnessed a serious clash of civilisations right under my roof.  For starters, there was the language barrier. His attempts to speak Sheng ended in disaster, and this often led to spirited dressing-downs in the form of a braying laughter from my mboys.

In love

Being from shags, Saimo fell in love with everything in my hacienda. He loved the hot shower, and took ages enjoying this luxury. I have a feeling they will collect my jaws off the floor when I receive this month’s bill from the Nairobi Water and Sewerage Company.

Entertainment was never in short supply, thanks to Jimmy’s collection of DVDs and crunk music. Being a typical city boy, Jimmy loves this music more than his own life, and had it been up to him, our national anthem would probably be played in crunk.

Further, Saimo was thrilled to learn new things such as ‘Internet’ and ‘Microsoft Word’. Happily for him, my mboys are hopeless Internet addicts who spend the better part of their lives online. Jimmy is so tech savvy that he will probably conduct dowry negotiations with his future father-in-law via Skype.

By the end of his second day, Saimo was well on his way to becoming a certified computer guru, having undergone a comprehensive crash course in computer games, Skype and Facebook.

To his credit, Saimo is an extremely industrious and personable boy. Throughout his short stay, he regaled his city cousins with tall tales about his humble life back in shags. Also, he made himself useful in the house, which is in sharp contrast to my mboys. Like most Nairobi children, my mboys are real drama queens when it comes to work, and they have turned our mboch into some sort of life-support machine.

When it came to the fairer sex, Saimo was not lucky with neighbourhood girls. Perhaps they faulted his Sheng, which, as I hinted earlier on, was in serious need of panel beating. City girls love boys who exhibit some swag, you know. They are partial to bling, sagging jeans, fake accents, bouncy walking styles and the occasional ear-stud.

First, he tried his luck with Bridget, a teenage heartthrob who lives two gates away. Sadly, she ignored him like a lamppost and made it clear she has no space in her heart for an ushago Casanova.

His next attempt was Sharon, but this damsel left him in real distress. Her callous attitude left him with no doubt that he was living in a ‘high attitude’ area. “Game yako iko down sana,” she said.

Monica, one of Jimmy’s classmates, also gave him the cold shoulder. Poor Saimo ended up with egg all over his face, as evidenced by the conversation he had with Jimmy on Saturday night.

“Hawa manzi wa Nairobi wanajifanya sana,” he moaned.

 “Ah, wewe walenge tu,” Jimmy said sympathetically, which was a polite way of telling him “huwesmake”.

Then there was the small matter of food. Whenever we sat down for dinner, Saimo would wolf his meals down in a manner to suggest he had never heard of words like ‘inflation’. Now, do not get me wrong: I am not saying that children from ushago can consume more food than the average mjengo guy. What I am trying to say is this: That boy gave a whole new meaning to the term ‘fast food’.

Upgraded

“Umeshiba Saimo?” Mama Jimmy would ask after the boy cleaned his plate, which was always before everybody else.

When a boy looks like he is about to burst into that Ugali sosa song, you should know you have posed a rhetorical question.

“Niongezee tafadhali,” he would quip, eyes bristling with expectation.

Sadly, Saimo’s eventful visit ended last Sunday, and his cousins were sad to see him off. By that time, Saimo had undergone a cultural metamorphosis: He had acquired a cool accent, learned the difference between a microwave oven and a television, and even participated in several traffic jams.