Be warned: her beads are juju wired for you

By GRACE NAKATO

The other day a matatu stopped right in front of me to let out passengers. A young trendy woman in the usual tight low rider jeans and a form-fitting top was in the process of alighting when suddenly, it started raining beads and more beads around her.

Sneers, jeers and catcalls. Poor thing, her waist beads were making a run for it! Chick disappeared into the masses like ice on hot tarmac. The cacophony was because waist beads, or obutiiti as we call them, are strictly bedroom wear. I don’t even know what the drama was about when we wear corsets over and not under our blouses these days anyway.

Wily

Traditionally, unlike today, women were meek and knew that it was unseemly to exert their will in the bedroom. However, even then, they were wily creatures and knew a thing or two about kupanga uzazi. Enter obutiiti, which were worn to signal the man that it was all systems go and that he could visit ‘tonight’. When hubby came home whistling and found mama humming nicely and going about her business, beads screaming ‘yes’, he didn’t need to be told "tonight’s gonna be a good night".

Flesh

But today’s generation wear them as a fashion statement and like panties and bras, men are treated to a sneak peek every now and then much to the horror of wizened aunties. Our girls have been liberated and they want to ensure that you are not clueless about their God-given and store-bought charms.

Rumor, unfortnately, has it that those displaying obutiiti as part of everyday wear are flesh peddlers that have ‘treated’ their beads to entice men.

And where there is smoke there is fire. Much as men are felled by even the tiniest display of cleavage or thigh, some of these beads have been jazzed up to ensure that your mpango wa kando, as Kenyans call mistresses, become wife number two, much to the horror of nearest and dearest. In Uganda, you don’t just go touching people’s beads: kuna dawa.

Stretch marks

I’m, however, encouraging those fond of wearing tops that have shrunk or borrowing tops from their younger smaller sisters to invest in a few waist beads to hide those unsightly stretch marks. A few rows of multicoloured beads would be a nice change for our eyes when your top rides up as you bend to alight from the matatu, seeing as we are kind of bored with the red thongs.

In the bedroom, also, much as you do have an actual belly to go with the belly dance, a couple of very multicoloured beads will cause momentary blindness. There will be no need to dim the lights after you have removed the corset and wobbly bits are stretching and unfolding and transforming you from the svelte petite young thing he drunkenly took home to an old hag.

So are you lonely? Well, forget the lonely hearts’ column and get your waist some multicoloured beads.