The religious cycle of a tipple-cal Kenyan

By Kipkoech Komugor

There are concerns that Kenyans are plunging headlong into the brewing pot. But in the same musty breath, it is claimed that Kenyans are deeply religious people. That is no contradiction in statements. The truth is that Kenyans are religiously committed to their tipple.

The ‘tipple-cal’ Kenyan has a seven-day religious cycle where he migrates from one religion to another like a nomad in the desert.

Concurs with St Paul

Monday, fundamentalist: It is a sin to touch any drink that is not tea, milk, soup or water. The mere sight of a strong drink is repulsive. Tipple-cal Kenyan entertains fantasies that suggest he and Osama bin Laden are on the same spiritual sphere, such as looking at bars with a powerful urge to blow them up.

He calls the bar owners ‘infidels’. Like a hermit hiding in the Afghan mountains, he avoids people who drink like the plague, arrives home by 6pm and goes straight into Monday evening worship pose: Feet on the table, remote control in hand.

Tuesday, protestant: He still gives the bars a wide berth but doesn’t feel like Osama any more. He thinks the guys in there are OK, if a little careless with their money and family responsibilities. His protestant drink ethic? By all means avoid the bottle, but if you must, be a moderate drinker.

After worship, soccerholics engage in heated post-worship analyses. The rosary comes in handy even more here as one needs its power to fight the soccerholics’ spiritual warfare with members of the opposing sect.

Sunday, atheist: Saturday night worship at soccerholic’s shrines can be long, hectic and a strain on body and spirit. On Sunday, tipple-cal Kenyan opens one bloodshot eye at around 10am, decides that keeping the eye open for longer than a minute would be suicidal and quickly shuts it.

Prostate body

The next time the eye is opened is two hours later when the wife or concerned child (arriving from church) shakes the owner of the eye to check if there is any life left in the prostate body.

That is when tipplecal Kenyan drags himself out of bed, showers, takes a late breakfast-cum-early lunch and flees to be with fellow atheists at the local where they munch tray-fuls of nyama choma and guzzle cratefuls of beer without a care in the world.