Haujaoa? 4 things that indicate you should be married by now

How time flies. Just the other day, I was a freshman getting hit on by 4^th year female students but at the moment, I could easily pass for a sugar daddy if seen strolling alongside one these lasses.  

Acting in a childish manner for grown ladies with ripe watermelons is cute (am speaking for self).  For a man, it is an entirely different experience.

Try acting childish with a lady (and lightskins); your designation will transform from ‘beib’ to ‘hicho’ faster than you can imagine.  After dumping you on Facebook she will tell tall tales about you for millennia to come; “Hicho ki boy kilikuwa na utoto, nktest!”

A comment by an aunt left me cogitating for some time; “Usiwahi ita mtoto wako Junior”, she declaimed. Apparently, when you give your kid a childish name, they will think of themselves as children even after growing up.

If you have done any of these, buda, hebu oa!

Drank nyayo milk

This is arguably President Moi’s most famous project.  Ever since, Nyayo milk has been embedded in the Kenyan culture. An example is during story time:

Question: Na maziwa je?

Answer: Ya watoto wa nyayo

If you were a recipient of Mzee Moi‘s free milk, man, you are a fossil. Act your age.

Tarzan, Conan, X-Pac

I can see sheepish the grin on your face. You know you are old if you know can decipher the meanings of the aforementioned terms without seeking out good old Google’s help.

Kwa watoto wa jana, let me tell you a story;

Paukwa?

A long time ago, everyone would make friends with the village’s rich kid whose parents had a great wall TV connected to a wet cell Chloride Exide battery. The process would involve a peace offering of chapati discretely slipped into your pocket at the breakfast table. Woe unto you if you mother saw you doing this.

On the set date, a procession of children would flock the rich kid’s home to watch the much awaited programme.

For those who didn’t manage to make friends with the rich kid, “toka kwetu” was ample a statement to send you home with tears in your eyes.

If you have been through such similar travails to see X-Pac (AKA 1-2-3 kid) kick it out in the ring you will notice that when walking around the estate small children refer to you as ‘mbaba’.

Cow Boy in a metallic packaging, Ksh10 note

Around Christmas, we would go to the shopping centre, board a rickety matatu and head for the nearest town; nearest infers an 8-hour long journey.

Once in town, your mum would tow you by the hand to the supermarket as you marvel at the tall buildings. She would purchase Cow Boy cooking oil and pay for it using a Sh10 note.

 Sh 10 note? Yes, Sh 10 note. 

Boomba train

This banger by Nameless and the late E-Sir (RIP) defined and shaped Kenya’s music scene. 

If the joint dropped when you were in class 4, kwenda mbele, tafuta ploti.

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Did you know ‘lightskins’ are the Kenyan equivalent of blondes in terms of cranial composition?