10 types of 'Judases' in your life

An illustration of Judas Iscariot and Jesus. [iStockphoto]

Centuries ago, this was a big week for the man called Judas, who used to chill with Jesus and the Big Boys. Having just given up the Son of God for 30 pieces of silver, his name is associated with betrayal. We all have someone like Judas in our lives. Here are some of the Iscariots we need to be on the lookout for:

1. Your network provider

That ‘Samahani mteja wa nambari’ lady sounds nice. But she doesn’t know how to kanyagia sensitive matters. Why, for example, does she have to increase her volume when announcing that you have insufficient balance? Just like her employer, who plays some very aggressive beeps when you run out of airtime in the middle of a call, and fills your screen with 'threats' just when you’re showing someone a photo in your gallery.

2. Your toddlers in public

Your kids are sweet, well-behaved members of society. Ask anyone who knows them. They are obedient, neat, and nothing like the demonic spawn of some parents. They are waiting for the perfect opportunity to betray you. Whether it will be at a chama, and they dive into the buffet like you habitually starve them. Or they announce to a room full of strangers that “Mummy was laughing with Uncle John in the car.” You will never know the time or place, but betrayal is coming.

3. Omondi the mechanic

When your German machine developed whooping cough, Omondi the mechanic promised he would medicate that small complication in no time at all. He returns your machine with a rattling sound from somewhere in its belly, and when you mount a bump, it grunts in pain. In truth, your car just had a small cough, but Omondi took it upon himself to strip it for parts and sell them.

4. Mama Junior

Everyone has been whispering it since your son Junior was born. That forehead looks nothing like yours. His nose is too narrow, while every member of your family has a shovel. Even the ‘rangi ya thao’ was very suspicious. But you have trusted your sweetheart this whole time, but then, during a particularly heated fight, she insinuated that you had no children in that house, a threat which DNA tests later confirmed. Betrayal in the city.

5. Your man’s best friends

No one lies more effortlessly than the gang your man calls his ‘boys’. Those ones will ‘my in-law’ you to death, which you don’t know is because they can’t remember your name. “We have never seen our boy so happy!” they will tell you. Just like they told Caro, who was there last weekend, and Sophie the week before. 

6. Your ‘loyal customers’

Things were looking up when you launched your mtumba business. They were so good you even started calling it a ‘thrift store’. But the friends who kept gassing you up to start the business don’t buy from you.  All the while, most of them continue to buy from Gikosh, your biggest rival. The traitors.

7. Your gossip buddy

You have been channelling all the gossip you receive straight to your BFF, sometimes reporting it live on location. But suddenly, the gossip is finding its way back to you. Small small servings of tea, until one day you hear a story about yourself that you told the BFF in confidence. Swore them to secrecy and almost made them sign an NDA.

8. Your spouse’s bestie

You have always been opposed to that woman your man calls his ‘bestie’. You know, the one whose tits are always hanging out when she is around him. The one who laughs loud, and sits carelessly enough that you can see her IUD. Your bae insists it’s all innocent. Just when you’re about to relax, however, you intercept a message from her to him asking if ‘Yule nyang’au’ has slept, along with a litany of photos of her naked torso in his gallery.

9. Your pastor

Your pastor has been sharing a message of humility and perseverance. Living a simple life. You felt that solidarity with him because you saw him repeat a couple of suits. But then you see him one evening coming out of a mbuzi joint in Athi River, leading one of his sheep into a Range Rover, and the betrayal hits like a brick.

10. Your body

The ultimate betrayal will always come from your body. That ungrateful bag of bones will wait until you are in esteemed company to unionise and down tools. Your tongue will forget how to pronounce simple words and force you to say things like ‘Ndiposa’ and ‘Irregardless’. Your stomach will remember suddenly that the diet has been beans and lentils, and start grumbling and making noises that cut through the room like silent farts.