10 things about Kenyan drivers

The National Transport and Safety Authority recently released the numbers of Kenyans killed on our roads since January. Not surprisingly, the highest number of those killed were pedestrians, followed by motorcyclists, their passengers and pedal cyclists. If you fall in any of this categories and intend to live a long life, never forget the following about drivers:

1. Lunatic Express

According to statistics, four out of ten Kenyans suffer from one mental illness or the other. Drivers are no exception. So never assume that the fellow bearing towards you or bobbing in and out of the lane is sane. They could be totally nuts, or psychos. Don't get in their way.

2. High as a kite

Kenya is a drinking nation. While tulevi are most lethal behind the wheel, a good number of them take to the road in broad daylight while soaked in liquor. That, or with a combination of things that are injected, smoked or sniffed with the sole purpose of making them see double-double. They will kill you, my friend.

3. Death wish

There are individuals who drive around with a death wish. Maybe their spouses batter them. Maybe their jobs suck. Maybe...whatever it is, these individuals long decided that this world is not their home. Such fellows don't care about going to hell. If you get in the way, shauri yako.

4. Blind as a bat

This is an open secret, but a good number of drivers can't see beyond their noses. So if you are a pedestrian dressed in dark clothing at night, or a cyclist riding along in dark clothing and without reflectors on your contraption, you will not hear the "kuk" or bystanders singing luwere.

5. License za bandia

In country where known wash-wash bandits have firearm licenses, and foreign terrorists strut around with Kenyan passports, many of the morons you see doing incredibly stupid things on our roads have never stepped in a driving school and they may or not have valid driving licenses. To this group, add drivers who have absolutely nothing between their ears.

Also Read: The National Transport and Safety Authority

6. Mikebe on wheels

Pedestrians imagine that people who own cars are rich. Haaa! Most motorists are stone broke, and as a result, many of the jalopies you see on our roads are barely serviced and have all manner of flaws - from kaput headlights to faulty brakes and engines held together with sisal ropes.

7. Shida mingi

A broke motorist is a dangerous motorist because there are simply too many things going on in his or her mind. Bugger hasn't paid rent. Kid's school is calling about fees arrears. There is the loan that bought the very car he or she is driving and there are rumours about retrenchment at work. That fellow will kill you dead.

8. Piki Piki Kitu gani?

The Kenyan motorist believes that roads are meant for four wheeled vehicles. He or she views the pedal cyclist and motorcyclist as irritants who should get the hell out of the way, and pedestrians as objects that stick huuko in the bushes. That's why they hoot at you like, 'zombie, get out of the way!

9. Children who want to play

Some motorists, however old, are children, and they views cars as a plaything; a toy. These are the idiots who zoom around estate roads at 70kph or overtake and shift lanes at top speed only to stop 100m away. Those brats will kill you.

10. Dry spell

This is perhaps Kenya's most dangerous driver. Either they haven't had some for months so they are itching like hell and distracted, or they are rushing to Mlolongo for a fix. These types will kill you before you say "come slowly".