×
The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
  • Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
  • The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
  • P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
  • Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
  • Email: [email protected]

How you can overcome not loving/feeling an attachment to your child

Parenting

Not feeling a bond with your child may still be taboo, but it's also very common

That a mum feels unconditional love for their newborn child from Day One is an assumption fuelled not only by popular representations of birth and parenthood, but is also driven by its scientific neccessity.

There's an additional sense of motherhood being a club - admittance to which depends on you feeling this unconditional love.

How many times do you hear words to the effect of "you don't know love until you have a child" touted by parents who, rightly, love their offspring?

Not feeling that bond remains taboo, the fear being you're considered a 'half mother', devoid of the maternal feelings women are told are central to their existence.

The failure for this bond to materialise, however, is a lot more common than we think - and with the right help, it can be overcome.

Examining this issue and how to beat it is therapist Alison Raphael, whose expertise focuses on how we attach ourselves to people.

The seeds are sown early on.

The expectations on a mum begin long before she gives birth.

"We have so many chats pre-birth ," Alison explains, "hyping this rush of unconditional love for your child.

"There's already an unrealistic view of what you should feel, which sets a dangerous framework where you think you should be feeling more."

Of those moments after birth when a mum meets her baby, Alison also points out:

"There's a chemical response taking place and external expectation on the exhausted mum.

Mums are exhausted from birth and contending with a chemical reaction

"So if that feeling is not there from the beginning, many mothers will doubt their ability to look after their child."

What's at the root of absence of feeling.

Alison explains how a mother feels about baby has origins in several possible scenarios.

It can manifest itself in several ways

"It could be that the relationship she's in is not committed, or where a baby is created to either save a relationship or where there's fear of losing a partner."

The environment a baby is born into is also something to consider, according to Alison.

"It may be also that there are disrupted relations between parents and siblings.

"Unconventional parenting models may also feel the burden of expectation."

The parents' relationship may dictate these feelings too

Unresolved issues from a mum's past may also be contributing to this absence of feeling.

"Not knowing where you stood with your parents may lead to an ambivalent attachment with your own child."

How it manifests itself.

Should a mum find that she has not bonded with her baby, and is not experiencing the rush of love she thought she might, this will influence how she parents in several ways.

Either a mum will become complacent or very rigid

"A mum will put a demand on herself, and overcompensate and be controlling as a parent," Alison explains.

"On the other hand, there's also a chance it means the mum feels the child is not living up to expectations.

"She might feel resentment and fury at a child who's not doing this. In these instances, the mum can neither reward herself nor the baby.

"So either you become complacent or you become very, very aware if your situation and become very rigid and 'by the book'."

A mum in this situation will find no peace with herself, Alison warns

This in turn affects the child, and there's a danger the cycle is perpetuated with their own journey into parenthood.

"The child may become very anxious as mum exerts either complacency, overprotection or control.

"She can't find peace and keeps putting a value on how she sees herself."

How to overcome it.

In addition to professional help, there are steps, a mum can try to implement herself.

Related Topics