If we love each other, why do we keep arguing so much?

If we love each other, why do we keep arguing so much? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

I love my husband, but we have so many arguments! It’s not that he’s a bad man, but somehow we don’t seem to think the same way, and we find it very easy to hurt each other’s feelings. What should I do?

Endless Rows

Chris says, 

Hi, Endless Rows!

You’re right, husbands and wives don’t think the same way, so reducing your arguments is all about understanding those differences.

Your husband has a huge need to feel respected because respect and social status are big things in a man’s life. Your biggest need is to feel loved and cherished by your husband, so you want to hear words like ‘I love you.’ But he also wants to hear ‘I need you’ and ‘I’m proud of you.’

Men communicate by doing things together, and so they struggle to understand the satisfaction women get from simply sitting and talking together. So your husband does want to communicate with you, but simply sitting together and talking through your feelings doesn’t come naturally to him.

You also want to talk through your thoughts to help sort them out, while your husband tends to sort his out internally. So he’s likely to avoid talking about an issue until he’s thought it through first. In fact, that need’s so strong that he might explode into anger if you ambush him and insist on talking immediately.

So what’s the answer? Set up a meeting! Fix a time and a place and agree on the agenda, so he gets a chance to think things through. Then he’ll come to the conversation feeling prepared and happy to participate.

Your husband also needs to express his love for you through sex, while you need to feel connected emotionally before becoming intimate. Partly that’s about being able to think about sex in advance, so you can build your anticipation. But most of all, it’s about feeling emotionally close.

So if your husband wants to have more sex with you, help him to understand that he first needs to spend more time just sitting and talking with you!

All the best,

Chris