CESS EXCESS

Cess Mutungi

By Tony Mochama

I am walking into the Arfa Lounge at the I-Max 20th Cinema Plaza mezzanine floor one late evening with a friend, eyes trying to adjust to the lounge light.

“Careful how you climb up or your butt will bump down with a thud,” an unmistakeable voice says out of the darkness.

It’s not the voice of the Lord but that of the radio goddess, Cess Mutungi.

As irises adjust to the darkness, I take in the sight of the perennially fresh radio mademoiselle in one visual swirl.

Cess looks good in a short hairstyle with scalp hugging gel, somewhat younger and lighter from the last time we met (years ago) and with her trademark low cut top.

“You look good,” I say.

She lets out that throaty laugh that is famous to thousands of radio listeners, and says in her husky voice: “That’s because I am the 2012 chairlady of the NCTC.”

Thinking of the ongoing back-and-forth over Caroline Mutoko’s appointment to the Kenya Tourism Board, I ponder what this NCTC could be.

THE MODERN WOMAN

“ You have not heard of the Nairobi City Titty Committee?” Cess swears, with a laugh. “Where have you been hiding? In middle earth?”

It is this titillating brand of humour that keeps Cess fresh with her radio audiences across the years.

“What’s the secret?” I ask Cess as we sit down over Vodka. “Other than, of course, skin lightening creams and a good boob job?”

We laugh!

Cess is seated beside a man called Billy or Martin (I’m not sure which since it keeps inter-changing) and her ardour and candour in this area remains undiminished.

Where did they meet?

“In the cinema lounge area earlier,” she says. “We were both buying tickets alone to watch The Dark Knight Rises when I made him an offer he couldn’t resist.”

“What’s that?” I tease.

Cess swings me an ‘if looks could kill’ look and explains that she gave Billy (Martin) the opportunity to be a gentleman — buy her popcorn and pay for the film.

Cess is a truly thoroughly modern urban woman, and she says most men belong in three categories — the Show Room (like trophies), the Play Room (bed bandits) and the Men’s Room (the sh** house).

Talking of crappy guys, I remind the radio icon of the Boxing Day of 2007 when she came to the rescue and saved this writer from a hiding by unhappy Arsenal goons he had provoked after a football game at Kengeles, Nairobi West.

Cess recalls those blue days, drinking in locals in Nairobi West, South C and South B, as we talk of other big names then such as Jeff Koinange, Catherine Kasavuli and Maurice Odumbe ...

SNOOPY BLOGS TALK

Cess blames her woes back then mostly on mainstream magazine media, and is still glad DJ CK gave her a way back to an audience that terribly missed her personality-driven radio show.

“Be glad some snoopy blogs were not yet around,” I say.

Cess is unfazed. “Some are real bonokos!”

“Be nice to (the) little people,” she advises other celebrities. “They can take you down, the way Kerubo did Baraza, or raise you up like they did me.”

Talking of little people, the come-back queen of radio says Lionel Messi always looks like a “mean little gangster surrounded by real big Real (Madrid) bouncers” when he’s on the field.

Does she regret any past excesses in her past?

Cess laughs; “If you wanna see excess, watch the first bit of The Dictator,” she advises.

The time is 12.42am and I’ve got to go. Cess walks me out of the plaza and down Kaunda Street where a taxi man is standing.

 “See you soon,” I yell from the window as we pass her by.

“See you in Southern Sudan soon,” she shouts back — leaving me with one more improbable idea to ponder.