Twisted star careers

Sometimes one looks at our local celebs and wonders what career they would be in if they had not been born with the talent, or sheer dumb duck’s luck, to be doing whatever it is they’re currently engaged in. Here’s TONY MOCHAMA’S take on that.

Avril – Stripper

With those large eyes and that bold sultry look, no doubt Avril would be a stripper called ‘April Nyambush’ at Apple Bees in Nairobi’s CBD.

She would lick scarlet-red lips as she swings off glistening poles, hump the cat-walk, and generally chokoza the clientele, getting the guys all in a lather as they holler ‘at a gal’ and pump Jirongos (old school for Sh500 notes) into the hem of her bright red granny panties.

Marya – Teacher

By contrast, Marya would be that big-bodied teacher in a boys’ high school who has the adolescent lads salivating and calling her names after hot female characters in English literature set books.

Being of slightly teasing and depraved character, Mwalimu Marya would indulge their Form Two fantasies by always dressing in tight blouses showing buxom bosom.

Jua Cali – Tout

If life had taken another turn, no pun intended, Jua Cali would have been a tout on one of those notorious ‘Eastlando’ routes.

He wouldn’t be one of those tough ones. Being the soft-spoken guy we know, he would have been one of those who ask to do a ‘rao’ (round) in the inner-estate of the city to make a penny.

Shaffie Weru – Maize vendor

Picture Shaffie in a scruffy T-shirt and a tired cap beside a dusty road, eyes bright red with brown teeth blowing hot coal as he says, “Boss, si hii mei imeiva (isn’t this roast ready)?”

Madtraxx and Mejja – Butchers

You are in a dingy dive, in a seedy street, in a sleazy hood. Before you sit down to indulge in cheap, liver-shrivelling liquor, you hear some sniffling and it is the waiter-cum-butcher Madtraxx, asking you how you want your ka-nusu (half kilo of meat). As soon as you give him your order, he turns and screams, “Wewe nugu, weka nusu. Na kashumbari, firi firi, kira kitu!” (You fool, prepare a half with salad and hot pepper). A black smoky face peers from above the butchery counter. It is Mejja!

Nonini – Bouncer

You are at a nightclub having the time of your life when a fracas breaks out between two young men over an inebriated young lady.

Nonini is immediately on the scene in a cheap black tux, throwing blows, throwing ma-boys out. Later on he is at the entrance of The Club, wearing an expression that looks like Matendechere poured wet cement over his face — and it hard-dried there.

Wearing a hard face, he stonily tells a young ladette she can’t enter The Club without showing her National Identity Card.

“But I forgot it and I live in Ngong,” she whines.

“Si basi ungekaa kwa keja (Then you shouldn’t have left the house)!” Nons says, with that flawed logic only night bouncers can conjure up in some unseemly corner of their brains.

Nameless – Carjacker.

He would appear from ‘nowhere’ just as you are getting into your car at midnight, (dressed in durag and sunglasses to camouflage his looks), and bundle you into the boot.

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere towards Namanga, he would take you out of the boot, throw fifty shillings at your feet with the advice “chukua fare ya Mega Rider na City Hoppa (never mind it’s ten to three in the am) then shoot off in a blaze of dust towards Tanzania, forever nameless to you.

Abbas Kubaff – Peddler

He would be that dude in the estate whom everyone knows is always good for weed; that bum on the beach hustling white folks to buy marijuana sticks and would insist that everyone call him Mo Faya.

Prezzo — Construction Worker

You look at Prezzo in the Big Brother StarGame House, especially when that neurotic wench Goldie is feeding him (like a ng’ombe being zero-grazed in a bedroom in Gusii), and you realise dude could easily have been a guy of construction somewhere far from the Central Business District. His idea of the good life would be half a loaf and bananas on an end-month day.

Size 8 – House help

If she wasn’t a singer, the Shamba Boy star could easily have been that hot house help in the house in thin T-shos and hot short shorts, who is eventually fired by her mistress merely because her husband ogles at her with lust, wanting a piece of her.

Ian Mbugua – Farmyard Lad

But the real shamba boy would be Ian Mbugua, in a less theatrical life. But he would still be as obnoxious! Ian would be that shamba boy who is forever snitching on co-workers, has adopted an uppity air (and even accent of his ‘master’ coz he’s working in Karen as a horse stable cleaner and general grounds man, and insists co-workers call him ‘General’), but still fantasises that the madam of the house will one day pull a ‘Potiphar’ on him.

Sheila Mwanyiga – Black Widow

A less sweet, okay, a very evil Nikki would be one of those ole ladies in Dagoretti Corner who drive big, black 4WD cars, have had three really rich and really dead husbands over the last fifteen years, wear leather jackets and ‘Ascot’ hats in the sun, and snarl at handsome young men.

Jaguar – Caretaker

Jags would be those busybody caretakers in a flats court. He would be those ones who knock on the door on the first of the month, (7am on a Sunday to demand proof of rent payment), because he fantasises he’s the landlord.

Editor’s note:

The opinions and/or innuendoes featured in this story are purely on a light note and should, therefore, not be taken as a judgement or representation of the personalities.