The A-stars at E-Sir’s

By Smitta

Lemme tell you about the twelof crew dat rocked to ‘Mombatha’ o’er the long May Day weekend, to celebrate da short but immortal life of E-Sir, founder of boomba.

Sun, sand, sadness n fun, twas the most happenin’ bashment dat has gone down in Coaster in le decade. But all that is in feature elsewhere. I want us to chill out n imagine watt hanging out waz like with the below celeb crews, away from the kukuru kakara of the E-Sir concertskis.

Ground Zero: Kunguru na Mandugu were digital.

Kungush was actually me first hook-up after been dropp’d at the Shell/Oilibya we was all meetin’ at to roll Coasto on Furahiday. N twas in his Benzo dat we weaved our way away across Yukambanis, Emalis, Voi n vroom-ed our way into Coaster proper.

Probbie wit bro Kungush is he cannat stay or sit still 4 evn two seoz. Soon after our trip, he waz criss-crossin’ all o’er the Coastrip like a woof wit digiriris up its &$^.s.

Com de nexx day, Kungush alikuwa ame-beat he B’O’d be4 his turn on show, n a rain-check had to be had by all n sun-dry.

Ground One: The joint mosta da stars was stayin@ (other celebz was at the totally cool ‘New Big Tree’) was Danpark Apartments, a stone’s throw from Club Lambada (renamed ‘Lamparda’ after Frankie’s goal against the accursed Scousers on Sunski).

The chicka who general manages it is a neat supuu call’d Carol Mwara, n she got crazie staffers like Godie who kept fukuzaink us wit bills, n Njesh who got a crush on mad MC Phillipo. Everyday after breaker – Sato, Sundae n evn Monday – Caro would organise a ‘Viceroy’ soiree under palm trees; n I made drink-long buddies there like Joe Karanja, n the totally kool Marto Mbithi.

Level Two: Habib, who has come into his own musically, big sis Mariam, her dot-e Njeri, da cutest lil lass in da world, n of course Mama E-Sir (gratified beyond words at her son’s memorial concertskis, oh all so fulla joy at Big Tree) were also all on de chill at Danpark. E-Sir’s ole lady evn grooved to taarab at one-a de shows, showin’ us all where they prowess came from. Habib waz also like all styled up n image-point, all the tyme. Until his ole lady made him beba makaa after we’d shukad, he he.

Three Doors Down: The Thamba Ngwenze of Ash, of course CEO, Noancelotti Mooga were around n about; as were de papskills of Pius n Kenny Kaburu ( n Dan Muhuni wit his on-point I.T. skills, but down like a download jokes). Shirley, our movie reviewer looked generally traumatised, Crystal da fashionista waz as excite-able as a sungura on gossip smoke, while Tildaski Nzioki was easy as always. Shirley, tho, managed to pull a weird plonyo in Coast-o. She convinced da otha chickas to go catch two filmz in 3D at da Nyali Sinexplex. Duh? – who goes Coaster, thn yu lenga beach, n see movies? As 4 Kris Kims, I saw dude mo in baadaye snapskis, than in any real life. Kwazy Kwis!!

Four Floors Up: And then there waz the strange triumvyrate of celebz in the park. Shanky Radics who operated like a ghost in da hotel (but his Bambika thang on stage made wadhii bajuka like a terrorist’s bazooka). Montana, too, was like a guilty chapski sneakin’ outta motel, coz he’d just sey ‘hello’ thn vanish 4 the day into Mombaza. But Manga was the main man. Every day, at abuut noon, dude would surface under our palm tree, lookin’ like a panya dat has managed to survive a noo-clear holocaust. But by jioz, man would be fine as lightnin’ strikin’ turpentine – n ready ta manga life wit a big kijiko!

FIVE PINS UP: "Rusha, ni rushe, vuta ni vute." The edoocated beast wit a ‘ph.D’ is back on da scene wit a new song that he taught ta de crowd on the Sato night show, but Terra Moss still seemsa to be rockin’ the mostest. Pin wd always amble into the scene to crack, n take, his share o’ mchongs under the ‘mchichi.’ Mr Lenny, cool as ever, waz nevertheless a great sport too. Only on the way back in da ‘boo’ did Mr Lenny lose his cool – wit summa boyz smokin’ shizzle at the backa de bus! Probbie is Pin’s "vuta, nivute" waz playin’ in de background as Lenny caused …

SIX SMOKE STOOGES: Guilty of firin’ up were the talented Ulopa, wit whom we agreed next time yu wanna be ‘Europa,’ doncha go ta ya shags in Westo to be tise-bapped there. N then there was this character from Facebook, ‘Nyanyako Aliacha Weedment.’ Imma thinkin’ of puttin’ me own gran-ma on ‘sura kitabu,’ wit the profile name ‘Nyanyangu Alianza Vodo!’ N the picha of a mad ole hag (wit battered mahaga) swiggin’ on chang’aa.

SEVEN on HIGH HEAVEN: Nonini waz ann’a nucca who blew up the E-Sir show ta high skies, wit all de young Pulsers thunderin’ "Kataa hio" as he stormed dat stage like a booty trooper. On our Viceroy day, I kumbushad de star of how gone we were de day we made da ‘keroro’ at Zeeps in tao. Lakini Nons ametoka mbali, kweli, kutoka dem conto dayz of ‘Wee Kamu’ in oh-three, n pepetain’ wakina Winnie’s b**ts while imbaing "Ti titi ti .. manze, manzi wa Nai, amka muanze ku-ka-ti-ka .."

NANE NI TATU: Debbie seemz to have vanished kiasi, less like Nyashinski, but Tattuu waz very well represented in Mombatha by the duo of Angie Mwadanda (Shinde) n Angie Ndambuki (Rabbo). If Shinde got dat name coz she usedta look like a lil Mercedes sport coupe zamo, she has now blossomed – n looks like a Benzo, S class. ( In russki, theya chilez who look like porches, but as soon as ya marry ‘em, dey turn into tractors).

As 4 Rabbo, watt a nerdishly good time we had, as she laughed to chemical jokes like "manouvre the manganese oxide in the pipette until yu hear a ‘pop’ sound" ( na ka yucheki by now, inamaanisha we ni fala, simpo)! Hebu lemme pose here kiasi I ‘throw’ ann’a joke this Furahiday for Rabbo to relish, like a rabwit wit a kawowt: "The massasauga serpent in the Mississagi river bit the mangabey monkey" ( I knw Rabbo is now like ‘died laffing at Psyz’).

MEZZANINE NINE: Roba I din’t see too much of, but Collo, whaart??

Every morning, we started on the VC wit him n his tall chicka, Phoebe. Mostly, we kunywad bila shirts, like wazee wa pwani, in da heat. N he waz fulla fresh njox, like "dat is such a Lunje shags the pakas say "k-meow" n the ngombes "k-moo" wen yu milk em."

TEN OVER TEN: Shaffie Wasabi n Real Solo of the Rumble did a fab jobski as MC n hype-men 4 the occashen. But of all da mad men I met las’ weekend, I gotta give the ten-o’er-ten to MC Phillipo. Da dread dude kept us entertained twenny four seven wit mad storos, like warning Tattuu never to hire Lunje houseboyz coz they got ‘huge appetites.’

"Wao ulamba mpaka Omo. Ata unaeza wacha mtoi nao, urudi, wamemlamba, ame fade!"

(Rant n raver Elias Omosh provided the link storox in betwixt. Like the way ‘em Inda guyz who live in Kayosh for exampo get two sock a day, but decide to save a finje fare by takin’ a walk. ‘Aya, mayie ya pao kwa corner, njugu za ten bab huko mbele, kamaziwa kukill thast ya mayie huko mbee, kamutura ... by the tyme Mutua gets home, amebaki na sevente bab .. lakini ame-dish!"

ELEVEN, NUMBA YA DROGBA: As Smitta, I waz smitten by our local stars ( so pengine mi pia ni ka-groupie) n danced stage-front to all they songz. In the rain. Without a shirt. With faded second hand red shorts (darn, their orijino owner musta haboured a mluhya houseboy)! But doez Resian of Str8 Up have to hook a cam-lens effytyme imma shirtless. Dang!!

TWELVE: The Perfect Number: Nameless, E-Sir’s best musical buddy n wit whom e almost crashed out wit, is Kenya’s most fantastic n down-to-earther star, as we’ve always semad.

The dude hang out wit everyone @ Danpark juzz beating storos n shootin’ the breeznit, n wen flies crash-landed his VC, he finger-chucked em n we went on downin’ the ‘FliesRoy.’ No wunder the boy won MAMA.