I keep falling for the wrong men and I don’t know why

Hi Chris,

I don’t know why, but I have terrible luck with my relationships. I keep falling for the wrong men, who never treat me right.

It’s not as there aren’t loads of really nice guys in my social life. There really are, but the trouble is I’m just never attracted to them.

And that’s, especially true now that I’m becoming keen to settle down. Every man I end up with just isn’t that way inclined. And ends up messing me about. So how come I always seem to fancy the bad guys?

Bad Guys

Chris says,

Hi Bad Guys!

Well, let’s admit it, bad’s exciting. Dramatic, sexy and spontaneous. So falling for a bad guy’s understandable. Once!

Because bad guys are also manipulative and deceitful. Some have violent mood swings, exploding into anger over trivial incidents. Others are totally preoccupied with success.

On the plus side they’re super assertive, never anxious and don’t get thrown by failures. Good traits at work. But they think they’re better than everyone else and can be so self centred that they treat anyone else like objects.

They dominate their partners and are unfaithful and unavailable. One minute you feel loved. The next you’re nothing.

They’re fun to be with at first. Charming, full of depth, excitement and passion. But it’s not long before they’re treating you like dirt. Men who are self-interested, driven and competitive do stand out, but they don’t do normal relationships

So if you’re endlessly falling for guys who mistreat you, you need to think why. Because repeatedly falling for bad guys means you’re choosing them, and the reason usually goes back a long way.

Because we often seek out relationships that reflect those in our childhood. So if your parents fought, you’ll go for someone to fight with. If they put each other down, you’ll choose guys who make you feel small. If your parents neglected you, you’ll seek men who neglect you too.

Maybe you keep falling for married men? You’re probably repeating a pattern of feeling unloved in childhood by choosing people who can’t be there for you either.

Or maybe you’re always going for people whose lives are a mess? That often happens if one of your parent also had problems. Your other parent looked after them, so that’s what you do too. Or you think you’ll reform him and become his princess. It won’t happen. Bad guys don’t change.

So how do you avoid being attracted to them? Recognise how your past may be influencing your choices, and deliberately select guys who don’t fit that pattern.

Instantly drop anyone who mistreats you. And make a point of only mixing with people who’re really nice. That way you only have nice guys to fall for!

All the best,

Chris