Let’s prepare to rewrite our gender-relations manifesto

A career coach once told me not to include phrases like ‘stickler for perfection’ and ‘strong interpersonal communication skills’ in my résumé because they sound corny and unoriginal.

Every potential employee will claim perfection and every job seeker will allege that they are great communicators. But that’s not just corny and unoriginal, it’s also a lie. A big one. Because no one is perfect and very few people know how to communicate effectively.

I’m going to put perfection to the side on this one because it’s an unattainable goal. Communication, on the other hand, isn’t just attainable, it’s a must. Without clear communication, there can be no understanding, and without understanding there is chaos.

Think of the chaos that surrounded the Eunice Wangari conversation. Eunice Wangari is the complainant in an ongoing case wherein Moses Njoroge is accused of pushing her off the 12th floor of a building after she rejected his sexual advances.

The conversation was triggered by three radio presenters who used the case as an entry point to discuss the morality of women. Rather than rebuke the alleged aggressor, they accused women in general of being too available. Too loose. Too desperate. As if any of those things are a green light for violence.

For me, it was very clear that the conversation should have been about violence, and in this case, violence against women. But for many of the men I engaged with, it was about morality, and specifically the morality of women. Those are two separate arguments that should not be part of the same discussion.

Violence should not be measured on a morality scale so that the more ‘immoral’ a woman is the more violence she deserves. But every time I said ‘violence against women’ I triggered the ‘but’ response. Violence is wrong ‘but’ women should be more responsible.

Violence is wrong ‘but’ who goes on a date with a man she met on Facebook? Violence is wrong ‘but’ what do women expect when men pay for everything? Violence against women is wrong ‘but’ all violence matters.

There was no understanding. There was just chaos. Chaotic conversations revealed how deeply Kenyan society has devalued women. Even the most educated of men have an underlying disdain for a woman’s right to make her own choices; and an ill-disguised entitlement to take what they want from women by force. Those other stories of ‘kutuma fare’ and whatnot, are just excuses for bad behaviour.

At the end of the day, our society is sick and like it or not, women and men are responsible. We need to start having the kind of conversations that unpack where the money started controlling us. We need to start talking about how we got to this place where money buys everything and everybody. And it’s going to take ‘strong interpersonal communication skills’ to bring the house down, clear all the rubble, and get back to a clean slate from where we can rewrite our gender-relations manifesto.

It’s not going to be easy, and it’s not going to be perfect, but it is necessary. Not just for this generation but the generation of boys and girls that will inherit the world we are currently creating.

But even in this creation phase, let’s agree on one thing: No matter what you feel about a woman’s worth, there is no justification for violence. None. Because real men know how to communicate with their words, not their fists.

-Ms Masiga is Peace and Security editor, The Conversation