He wants me to take his name but I’m not ready

I recently got married after two years of dating but there is one thing that is bothering me. My husband wants me to include his name in my documents as well as my ID. From the few people I have sought advice from, I have been discouraged from doing it as our marriage is still so young. My husband has demonstrated his commitment to this marriage by including me in his documents as well as allocating me shares in his company. I know I sound like a pessimist but I need guidance on the best to make at this point.

 -Lorna

What the readers say

Lorna, stop listening to your friends about failed marriages because your husband is serious about you and your marriage. Instead, you should reciprocate this by putting his name in your identification documents; after all you are not marring him so as to divorce him later, put God first in everything you do.

-Winnie Kamau

Lorna look at the value in what your husband wants unless you are just dishonest. Adopt a positive outlook to life. You've proved that your husband is sincere and it's your dishonesty haunting you so I advise that you do what he is telling you or tell him you don't trust him and walk away.

-Tasma Saka

It is a pity that you just got married yet your mind is so full of worries that your marriage may fail. Marriages surely have difficulties not only these days but what is important is the commitment of the two people in that marriage. I have been married for six years and I am happy to be called by my husband’s name even without any properties in my name because I know it is the right thing to do.

-Jackie Onsando

 He has gone all the way to include your name in all his properties and even allocated shares to you and all you're worried about is a missed opportunity to land another man in future? Why isn't he worried that should the marriage fail you'll demand a portion of his properties? The moment he discovers that you have second thoughts about the marriage he will also have second thoughts about you.

-Bernard Murage

Do you know how many women are living in misery just because they don’t have a man to be associated with? You are a selfish woman and you do not mean well for the relationship. If the man is, in your words, committed and includes you in his properties, why do you doubt him? Make things work for both of you.

-Alex Ndeti

Simon says

I agree with you that these days many marriages are increasingly ending up in divorce but you will also agree with me that surprisingly there are many more marriages that are indeed working. Further, you may also agree with me that many people die as a result of various causes for instance road accidents but this does not prevent us from travelling and by the grace of God we make it to our destinations and get back home safely. Where am I heading with this?

The fact that some or many marriages fail does not mean that all of them will and should not prevent us from venturing in because the reality is that many if not most of them work. I am however concerned at how convinced you are that your marriage will not work and I may not find a way to convince you that it will because it may not but rather I would encourage you to focus on making it work through any means possible.

The issue of including his name in yours is not really an option. This is a universal practice and it shall remain as such despite the current and possibly future patterns with regard to marriages. Marriages work only if there is commitment from both parties to do what is right and what they are supposed to do to make it work. In your own words you said that he is very committed to the marriage and has shown this by formally including you in his assets.

By so doing, I am sure he is also aware of the fact that marriages do fail but he is choosing to put that narrative away and is determined to make it work. I still cannot understand why you are so focused on the fact that the marriage may not work, unless you know or are somewhat planning not to make it work.

A primary reason why marriages are failing is that like governments and offshore investments, many of them are being run from the outside. By this I mean that many marriages are being managed based on what other people say, what we hear from the gossip chambers, what we read in the media among other things.

A surprising thing is that if you observe the ring leaders (who are usually women) of the radical messages about modern day marriages, what women should and should not do, how marriages should be run you will notice that their marriages remain intact while those of their subjects and loyal followers crumble to the ground – look around! Marriage is about doing what you feel is right not what others think is right. You already have a preconception that your marriage is doomed to fail and this is already a losing position.

He may remain silent if you refuse to take up his name. However, with time this will build up as resentment towards you especially when he feels that you don’t have long-term plans for the marriage. And why would you even contemplate getting married to another man at this point?

 Boke says

Whichever form of activity we involve ourselves in, be it education, business, career name it. We have success stories and disappointing stories. We choose to fill our minds with the successful ones and even hope to be better.

You're allowing yourself to focus on the disappointing stories and what this does, is to fills your life with worries and anxiety that are unfounded. Worries and anxiety are not the same thing as being cautious.

The constant expectation of a good outcome, even in the midst of challenges,  is what drives the human life. Some people call it hope some call it faith. If we take away this optimistic view to life then there will be no humanity.

Bad examples abound. Good examples abound too. Am sure you have heard or seen successful marriages. Focus on the good ones at the same time learn from the others the pitfalls to avoid.

Let the negative pictures you have seen of marriages challenge and inspire you to nurture a great relationship. Be quick to pick lessons but slow to infer the negatives to yourself. Ask yourself if there could be things these  people did that you should avoid or did not do that you should do.

You're just recently married and so far you find nothing wrong in your relationship. Change of name is in order. Some change only the way they are referred to reflect their husband's name and some change even their national ID. If the change of name is very important to your husband that's a small price to pay. Go ahead and change. About another man accepting you later should not be your concern as of now.

Deal with and handle what you have at hand now. And what I see in your hand now, is a beautiful relationship that has all the potential and avenues to grow into a splendid one. Work at it.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.   

Next week’s question

I am a mother of 2 children aged 14 and 16 both girls and I am worried about my children more so their exposure to sexuality. Everywhere I look on the streets, in the media there is a lot of nudity and sex related content and only recently I realised that they are visiting adult sites on their computer and I suspect also on their phones. I feel that I should do something to protect them but I don’t know what. They already have boyfriends but only God knows what goes on behind closed doors or when I am not around. I need some help on how to approach these girls and protect them from our society which is filled with immoral sex pests

-Dorothy