Why you should talk about your sexual needs

“Let’s talk about sex, baby; Let’s talk about you and me; Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be; Let’s talk about sex, let’s talk about sex.”

Many are familiar with this song, a hit in the 90’s, written by Hurby “Luv Bug” Azor, encouraging dialogue on sex. Sex has not always been the easiest topic it’s not always easy to internalize that you’ve grown up with values of abstinence then automatically, switch to not only discuss sex but enjoying it.

Talking about sex is challenging because most of the words we know sound vulgar. I am reminded of a class exercise where participants were asked to translate the word sex in their mother tongue. Boy, was that awkward! Everyone was too embarrassed to share. Why? It’s not something pleasant nor does it edify. To many it’s pornographic.

There certainly is nothing about these words that makes them inherently wrong but most individuals see them in the context of reproductive health at school. Period!

Sex can be pleasurable and fulfilling in every relationship; however, it can be the greatest source of disappointment, despair and frustration if partners are not able to communicate freely on this topic.

Silence and denial is not the answer to your sexual issue. A sex starved marriage has a way of breeding, anger, resentment, rejection, and rebellion which eventually often opens the door to infidelity.

Your options are limited. Simply talk about sex! Communication on expectations and yes, post-match analysis, where necessary, with love, affection and tenderness, is healthy. What is important is to be careful not to injure the ego of your partner as this will affect present and future performance.

Sexual satisfaction is dependent on every partner’s ability to communicate their needs and their ability to strive meeting each other’s’ needs beyond the bedroom. Often, individuals assume that their partners ought to know what their preferences are, and how to meet their needs.

When one is disappointed, they do not know how to communicate with their partner, they remain silent.

Speaking out sometimes leaves a partner injured for life; Rhoda who was disappointed with the performance of her partner said to him: “If you cannot finish, why bother to start?” This affected the self-esteem and ego of her partner to the extent that he could not perform.

John, on the other hand, was of the opinion that his partner does not put enough effort to the game. He said to her “your sex supply is poor no amount of support could make a difference”. She was devastated to say the least and has never recovered.

The rule of thumb is simple, everyone has different experiences, exposure. Their understanding of performance is mirrored solely to their world view. Some tips to help you improve your sexual communication:

• Ensure you remain sober and remain positive

• Expectations are based on experiences or fantasy. Have an open mind and enjoy the experience, quality comes with time and bonding

• Remember, nothing has meaning until we give it meaning, when you decide that your sexual experience is rewarding so does it become!

• Allow yourself a level of vulnerability, let your partner know what makes you tick, while you remain in a safe space.

• Purpose to enjoy sex regardless, it is not conditional, it should be given freely without conditions.

• Trust is the glue that bonds the relationship if broken then sexual intimacy is challenged do not bury your head in the sand, work towards restoring TRUST

• No two people have the same sexual energies, understand that having different levels of libidos is actually a blessing, when one is down they lift the other one up.

• Don’t wash your dirty linen in public, if you are dissatisfied with your sex life, discuss it with your partner in a positive and proactive manner.

• Should there be issues of dissatisfaction or sexual dysfunction, seek professional help.