Speak up: When expectations go unmet at home

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Imagine coming back home to find it exactly as you had left it in the morning, dishes piled high in the kitchen, musty and surfaces untouched. Yet your partner stays home all day. Or how about your husband, who allows his relatives to show up at your house unannounced just because they were in “Nairobi”? Feeling worked up already? Now picture what goes on in your spouse’s mind!

Such moments represent a fundamental breakdown in the management of expectations. Our unspoken standards act as invisible tripwires within a relationship whereby one partner feels like they are failing a test they never knew they were taking in the first place, while the other grows increasingly resentful that their “obvious” needs are not being met.

This cycle of disappointment is not a sign of a lack of love but rather a lack of explicit coordination and clear communication. And failure to manage these expectations will slowly erode relational safety.

When standards are not articulated, they escalate into rigid benchmarks used to judge our partners’ character. A wife who does not prioritise cleaning for instance may be labeled as lazy and a husband who fails to set boundaries with his family may be seen as disrespectful.

These labels are destructive because they shift the focus from a solvable problem to a permanent personality flaw.

Research from The Gottman Institute implies that the majority of conflicts in relationships are perpetual, meaning they stem from fundamental differences in lifestyle or personality.

Without a proper structure to negotiate these differences and disappointments, couples fall into a gridlock where every interaction is coloured by past grievances and unmet needs.

Addressing these failures requires a shift from reactive criticism to proactive communication. To tell your partner that they are failing to meet your expectation, you must first ensure the expectation was actually communicated, established and agreed upon. It is unfair to reprimand your spouse for a behaviour they did not know was an issue.

A healthy approach involves a neutral, non-confrontational discussion held during a time of relative calm and not in the heat of an argument. When discussing the house’s cleanliness or the intrusion of relatives for instance, the conversation should focus on the functional impact of the behaviour. Help them understand that unannounced visits interfere with your ability to decompress after work. This focuses on a personal need rather than on their failure to police their family.

Establishing healthy boundaries involves a process of mutual meeting of minds. This means explicitly defining what domestic contributions look like and what social boundaries are required for both of you to feel respected.

If one partner is struggling to meet a specific standard, the discussion should look into the barriers preventing success.

Perhaps the husband feels he has an obligation to assist his relatives and that may conflict with his wife’s need for privacy or the wife finds the domestic load overwhelming schedule.

Frame the issue as a shared challenge to be solved together. This deliberate move ensures that the home remains a place of mutual support rather than a place of constant disappointment.