I should have spent more time with her: Love lessons from divorcees
SEE ALSO :Meet Kondo, man married to a hologramThe cracks began when our first born died in 1994. This was after an accident with hot water that led to serious scalds all over his body. It was devastating but we held on and were blessed with three other children – two girls and a boy. Despite life seeming OK on the surface, our child’s death lingered unspoken. We were also facing financial problems and pretty soon, we had nothing to say to each other. It just fell apart. And the house broke… She left in 2000 with the children. I was left alone. Later, I got my children back. At this point, relations with my wife were still so bad. There was so much hurt between us that I moved towns to get away from all of it. Regrets? I do not regret marrying her at all, and she bore me three children that I’m really proud of. I don’t habour any ill will towards my ex-wife. I have moved on and I hope she does too. God has provided me with peace of mind.
SEE ALSO :In-laws frustrate man’s bid to bury wifeWhat I will do better next time If I marry again, I’ll ensure that I’ll provide for my family to the best of my ability because to my knowledge, most of our problems emanated from the financial difficulties that we faced. Our primary roles as men are to provide for and protect our families. All men should strive to play these roles diligently and without fail. Last year I won Sh 1,000,000 through Lotto, and besides investing in real estate, I have been able to pay fees for my daughter and stared a business for my son. When I meet the right woman, I will marry again. If he was married before, he won’t be truly yours Nancy Wairimu, 50, businesswoman, Love a second time around I met my ex-husband in 1986 in Kiambu and we dated for two years. We moved in together in 1988. We didn’t do a church wedding but I didn’t mind. He had separated from his first wife. The union had produced four children. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship. Together, we had three children. Our marriage was happy, and we were so in sync that people assumed we were siblings. He was in construction work while I was a farmer. Life was great” The turning point… In 1999, thieves broke into our home. They attacked me using machetes and damaged my arms. No other member of my family was hurt. My problems began then. I was a wife who couldn’t work; I had to depend on others to do the most mundane of tasks. My husband took my new reality harder than I thought and withdrew from me. I had to look for work…fast. I started selling second hand clothes and then went back into farming, something that was so difficult because of my mutilated hands. I worked hard and educated my children. I did relatively well and bought land in Kinangop to continue farming. While I held on to hope that we would find our way back to a happy marriage, my husband remarried, a fact made possible since we weren’t formally married. The hurts and aches… My marriage lasted for 26 years. There was a lot of betrayal in my marriage. And having a blended family didn’t help matters as sometimes children don’t accept the new spouse. I felt really hurt when he remarried but such is life. Regrets… The fact that we never argued or fought before the unfortunate incident in 1999 meant that we never got to really know each other. Couples that fight and not sweep thing under the rug are often closer and know all the sides of their partner. Could I have sought better solutions to our problems? I would drag him to the local chief and even to our parents to seek solutions to our problems, but we couldn’t own up to our mistakes. It is however water under the bridge now. My arms have now fully recovered. I can work for myself. And I’m never getting married again! Lessons the hard way… I learnt that men never fully settle into a second marriage since they constantly think of their first families. If a man has broken up or left another family to be with you, you are in a hopeless union. He will always compare you to his first love especially when you err. Margaret Wambui, 56, a steward The dream family… We met in 1985 in Nairobi. I was working as a steward while he was an accountant. We had our first child in 1987 but we started living together in 1989. We were later blessed with twins in 1995. He quit his job to go into self-employment and I supported his dreams. We were the dream family. Until it wasn’t… The new financial pressure caused so many cracks. There was some infidelity and so much mistrust. Should have known better… We should have had better communication between us instead of playing down bad behaviour. The moment we developed problems, we should have talked about it and resolved the issues. Any relationship is defined by how well people communicate. If one person slips up, talk about it immediately before it’s too late. If you carry the mistakes forward, they’ll pile up and you won’t know where to begin from; it’ll be too late then. I now know that people do not really change their true nature. Lessons learnt… I now know that I won’t get into another relationship again. I am done with marriage too. I have learnt that you can live with someone and not really know who they are. Couples should take time to learn about each other. Also, one should also not leave the burden of raising children to one spouse. If a person is having financial trouble, that is a problem that can be solved by both parties. All couples need to do is sit down, talk it over and try to find a solution. Trust is also vital if a marriage is to survive.