Uneasy in my own skin

Body shaming is loosely defined as the act of expressing humiliation about another person's body shape or size. It is negatively commenting on the size or shape of another's body and sometimes your own body because you can body shame yourself.

Body shaming has become so deeply rooted in our community that it has become acceptable to comment on one's appearance, yet it can be extremely damaging potentially, leading to low self-esteem, anger and even mental health disorders.

With the coming of the internet and the introduction of social media, a new kind of body shaming has reared its ugly head, and online body shaming has become common. From comments such as, "You look good for your size" to "You should eat more", diet advice has become common, and is also a form of body shaming.

Award-winning content creator and plus size model Nyawira Mumenya aka Miss Nyawi, and Sharon Nderitu, a stand-up comedian and interior decorator who runs a body blog, have both been victims of body shaming. The ladies sat down with Eve to talk about body shaming and how it affects the female community more than it does the male community.

Comedian Sharon describes body shaming as: "Things you say to people to make them feel bad about their appearance. Anything that makes someone feel degraded about the packaging they come in is body shaming."

Nyawira describes it as: "Making someone feel like they are lesser than who they are. Putting it out there that your body is not the standard of beauty aims to make you hate yourself or to make you feel uncomfortable in your skin."

The ladies said a lot of the body shaming they have faced usually comes from fellow women.

"The pain is on another level when it is another woman doing the shaming; because they understand the struggles you go through as a fellow woman so it is disgusting to see the hate come from them. It is so hard being a woman already, we should be encouraging each other and standing up for each other, but you chose to make a mockery of others."

Nyawira talks about her journey of wanting to give up on social media influencing because of the bullying and shared the first time she was body shamed.

"In 2017, I posted a picture of myself with a slimmer model at a bikini shoot and the comments from men were telling me to go to the gym, eat a salad, or that I am promoting obesity. They decided to take it further and send me detailed direct messages of their disgust over my body size. It made me feel like losing weight."

Nyawira says her turning point came the same day when other women came to her aid and reposted the picture calling her beautiful, and encouraging her to forget the naysayers.

"I felt good that I had this strong support from women pushing me and reminding me I am beautiful, it gave me the confidence to post anything, that is why women supporting women is so important," says Nyawira.

Nyawira says we should stop the culture of body shaming others. "Women let us not be our worst enemies, these comments such as hit the gym are not necessary. We should do better and ultimately mind the business that pays you."

Comedian Sharon talked about how she had to keep climbing Mt Kilimanjaro a secret for fear of backlash and the questions that would come such as, "Will you be able to make it?"

"When I decided to do it, I quickly realised that I would have to keep it a secret, not because I am secretive, but because people tend to put their doubts on you; I knew there would be too many fake experts in my comments who would not be climbing that mountain with me," says Sharon.

Sharon's advice to body shammers is: "Put yourself out there first before you hate on me. I put myself out there for the world to see, you should do the same and then see if you will like it. Do not sit in the comfort of your home where we cannot see you and judge. Also, expose yourself to the world and let them see. "

Paps Wanyugi, a psychologist and CEO of ReConfidence Coaching Solutions, and author of Reconfidence: Get Your Bold Back and Leading Generations: Mentoring 21st Century Pre/Teens in Africa, says that there are a lot of reasons why people engage in body shaming.

"There are many reasons why someone would choose to body shame others, and often it is about personal insecurity or struggle they have with themselves and as a result choose to be mean and even cruel to others instead of dealing with it in their own life. It is often projecting on others what we think about ourselves," she says.

"Body shaming is often rooted in childhood trauma. When a child is born into this world, they do not know what the current trending ideology of the 'perfect body' in society is.

"How we view our bodies is greatly informed by our childhood, the culture we grew around and what people said about our body or their bodies. As a child, we learn about the 'perfect body' from hearing adults and other children in our life talking about it," she says.

"From the time we are children we have pressure from watching cartoons to look a certain way. Additionally, if you are a parent with a negative body image and you keep talking about it, then your child can adopt the message as their life's message on what a beautiful body looks like.

"Also, if you had a parent or parents or even siblings who constantly talked negatively about your body as a child, then their words can inform a wrong body image narrative."

Wanyugi says when one becomes a teenager, body issues are amplified because it is a stage where our bodies are changing.

"At this stage, our bodies change greatly, and often teenagers start to compare their bodies with others in the same age group. This is when people begin to realise just how different our bodies are. We get to see the different body shapes from pear shapes to apple shapes.

"The teenage years are also where you learn about the things that you can change and those that you must accept. Some people take their insecurities or childhood wounds about their bodies and carry them into adulthood and use it as a weapon against others," she says.

She says that some people body shame others because they are jealous and believe the victim of their cruel words has a 'perfect life' and therefore needs to be brought down.

"There are those who choose to cyberbully those on social media because of jealousy. They constantly look at negative things to say about other people on social media especially if they believe that the victim of the hate has perfect life.

"So, they spend their time looking for what is wrong with their body to make themselves feel better about their own lives. They want to make you feel bad," she says.

Wanyugi recognises that the anonymous nature of social media also fuels body shaming or other forms of cyberbullying.

"Social media gives bullies or cowards anonymity, so what they would not say to a person face to face they can easily say online. Also, social media makes people feel like others are not real, and that they can just be mean to someone without consequence.

"Anonymity gives them power. They do not understand that the people on social media are real people with real feelings and so your cruel words affect them," she says.

"Some people body shame because they are bullies, others do it because they want attention from their comment, and others think they are being funny by being mean and often fail to see that even people on social media are real people, with real feelings who you can affect with your words. We need to be mindful of the way we comment about others or even say about others. Imagine if someone said the same cruel things to you."

"We need to be empathetic and realise that even those who may be famous are people like us, and have feelings. They are mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers and have families just like us. They are someone's daughter or son. So be kind with your words or how you treat them."

She believes that those who have been victims of body shaming should not keep it all inside, but should find a way to deal with it so that the cruel words of others do not have power in their lives.

"If you are going to put yourself out there whether as an influencer or just for fun, ensure that you do not do it for the likes you will receive. If you do it for the likes then a cruel response can destroy your self-esteem. Do not give bullies power over your life. Also, get help, do not undermine what a good therapy session can get you," she says.

She adds, "Respond where necessary when faced by body shamers. Rehearse your response in preparation for a mean commentator. I always do this with my clients, I ask them to rehearse responses and even journal. Sometimes people tell you things and because you do not know how to respond you keep quiet and let them get away with being mean or inconsiderate of you, and then later on you figure out what you could have said when it is too late."

Wanyugi warns that as a parent you must be proactive in ensuring that you send your children into the world with a positive body image.

"A survey done in 2016 found that people between the age of 11-21 struggle with how they look. Hence, as a parent, you must be careful about how you talk to your child about their body, and also how you talk to yourself about your body, and how you allow others to talk about your body.

Children are always watching and learning from us and so we must be intentional. I went through it when I was below the age of 10. I had a big belly whether I ate or not, and when I would ask for food, I would be told unataka kukula tena and you look like you have already eaten. It was told like it was a joke but it affected me until my adult. I grew up feeling fat and felt that I did not look nice yet now when I look at past pictures, I see that I was beautiful," she says.

She says that we should normalise talking about the beauty of all the different body shapes that we have.

"Teach your children how to distinguish between false beliefs and facts when comes to body types and shapes. There is not one way to beautiful. Also, compliment children on other qualities apart from their looks or body shapes," she says.

Additional write-up by Queenter Mbori as extracted from Her Standards KTN Home show.