Of humble pies, and why Kalonzo needs to run around the Bunge granary

By Dan Okoth

Back where I was born and brought up, elders advised a person suffering from constipation to run around a granary while blowing air on it. The wisdom was that it would relieve tension in one’s belly, and, some claimed, also kill vermin.

That’s the kind of advice Vice-President Kalonzo Musyoka might have been given this past week.

Thrice in a span of seven bloated days, he has had to swallow tonnes of humble pie.

First, MPs roundly rejected the list presented by the Vice-President. A memorable contribution came from former Justice Minister Martha Karua, who asked whether it was her resignation that made her to be dropped from the House Business Committee (HBC) that sets the agenda for Parliament.

To crown her contribution amid foot thumping, the Gichugu MP reminded Kalonzo that since his Party of National Unity was now the minority, would they kindly hand over (power) to the majority?

The list successfully rejected, it was time for the VP to face the embarrassment of having to defend his position as Leader of Government Business.

While it was legitimate that he had been appointed by President Kibaki to perform that duty in the House, some of the MPs he would be working with were unequivocal that he was masquerading. To them, he was nothing less than a busybody. He was a stranger to the National Accord that created the position of Prime Minister.

Kalonzo had successfully moved a motion opening debate on the President’s speech given at the opening of the third session of the Tenth Parliament on Tuesday, April 20.

Traditionally, the Motion is moved by the Leader of Government Business in the House. It turns out that the Orange Democratic Movement, the party whose MPs set the crushing earthmover rolling, were watching to see how Kalonzo would gorge himself with a well-baited pie.

Ironically, the President’s speech, whose meat could easily be ODM’s poison, was now overshadowed by controversy about the man who wanted it debated. Few MPs showed appetite for that business, but they would first wait until Kalonzo had swallowed enough humble pie.

House Speaker Kenneth Marende brought a temporary relief to the pie party by ruling a week later that he would himself "reluctantly" occupy Kalonzo’s former position as Leader of Government Business until the Executive "consensually" sorted out the matter.

But before the pies of House Business Committee list and Leader of Government Business could be digested, Kalonzo was reaching out for the courts. Would they be kind enough to overrule Marende for "assaulting the powers of the presidency"?

This time, Lugari MP Cyrus Jirongo and Nairobi Metropolitan City Minister Mutula Kilonzo provided forks and knives, cutting a bit for themselves.

A lawyer no less, Mutula failed to remind his party boss that Marende’s ruling could only be challenged within Parliament, no matter how full one felt. His Lands counterpart, Mr James Orengo, had told the House that Mutula had been "a stranger to democracy until Kanu got out of power just the other day".

Swallowing a lump, Mutula said Marende risked being haunted by unelected spirits of "easiest options".

By the end of Wednesday, Kalonzo had swallowed the rest of the court pie. It was no longer viable nor reasonable to challenge Marende’s ruling on matters to do with Parliament.

Sometimes simple legal knowledge on the separation of powers saves one from unnecessary constipation. German envoy Walter Lindner would agree with finality, I think. So would the Panel of Eminent Persons led by former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, who commended Marende for his statesmanship.

But humble pies can be addictive. On the same Wednesday, Kalonzo, this time joined by Foreign Minister Moses Wetangula, stood up in Parliament to thank Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni "for lowering the Ugandan flag on Migingo Island".

Unbeknown to them, Museveni was eating his own humble pie in Arusha, Tanzania, where he issued a statement that he had indeed, instructed his troops in the island to lower the Ugandan flag until the dispute was resolved diplomatically.

While Museveni got away with his pie on "Mijingo", Kalonzo faced the wrath of MPs in Parliament, some whose names were in his initial HBC list. One MP asked, "How can you dare thank an invader of our territory?"

There is no granary in Parliament — maybe MPs could build one when the maize situation improves — but there is a small sentry box near the gate. Some elders might want to ask Kalonzo to run around it several times.