How fragile is a man's ego?

By Njoki Karuoya

Two Sundays ago, we visited Alliance High School where we bonded with the young, intelligent teenagers who amazed me with their level of attentiveness and astuteness. Clearly, when someone’s son makes it to Alliance High School, it is because they deserve it, thanks to their enhanced intelligence and brain matter.

But one thing stood out for me as I had a little chat with the school’s principal — David Kariuki. He said that the man’s ego, no matter how high his IQ was, was very fragile. According to him, the slightest slight on a man’s ego was enough to derail a man’s dreams and goals.

Damaging

Which is why a man would rather abandon his family when he cannot take care of them (for instance, when he does not have a job or any form of income generation) than sit there by their side watching them suffer.

The feeling of helplessness, of being emasculated, is extremely damaging for a man and it can cause him to commit suicide. That got me thinking: If a man is so fragile ego-wise, would that explain why they always behave so macho when it comes to.... everything, especially things that make them go weak at the knees, like women, for instance?

Do women possess a lot of power and influence over men? Do women appreciate this fact, or are they ignorant about this huge powerbase? Could the women who know of this power be afraid to use it to their advantage, having been socialised by society and religion that it is wrong?

But wrong for whom, I ask? Why is it that when women desire to exercise their God-given powers they are warned that it is wrong and threatened with hell’s fire, but when men use their God-given powers it is deemed the right thing to do?

But I digress. Back to my initial topic, which was the sensitivity of the male ego. US-based Jay Carter is a professional psychologist with 26 years of experience counselling men and couples. His expertise lies in discussing male self-esteem, male intimacy and giving insights into men’s hearts and minds.

Boys of Alliance High School. As most of them grow up, they work hard to make their mothers proud, according to US psychologist Jay Carter. [Photo: Andrew Kilonzi/Standard]

Here are snippets of his wisdom, which I found at Oprah.com.

"During a boy’s most important developmental period — his first five years — he usually gets his self-esteem from his mother. Whereas a girl might choose to grow up to become like her mother in certain ways, a boy tries to make her proud.

Influence

"Years later, when he meets someone he wants to spend his life with, he unconsciously gives her his part of a man’s self-esteem that’s vulnerable to a woman’s opinion of him. Most women I talk with don’t realize what kind of influence they have over men.

"The seat of a man’s soul is his intent or purpose. That’s why when a woman bares her soul by disclosing her feelings, a man often doesn’t recognise that as significant. He’s been socialised to discount feelings. For him, baring the soul means sharing his hopes and dreams.

"Research on gender differences has proven that men tend to take words more literally and to hear them in more sweeping terms. Let’s say a woman asks her husband to pick up a half-gallon of orange juice after work. When he arrives home empty-handed, she might offhandedly say, "You are so irresponsible."

All he hears is the word irresponsible. He believes she’s saying he’s irresponsible in general. He thinks, "What about all the months I paid the mortgage? Does one slip-up erase all my effort? And why is she overreacting?"

"With his self-esteem wounded, he may launch into a defence about what it means to be responsible. What a man feels when you call him irresponsible is what a woman feels when you call her a bitch. It’s the ultimate insult. So if you’re angry with a man, just call him a bitch.

"A man will feel even more motivated to please a woman he loves if he knows that, in general, she already thinks the world of him. Once a woman tells a man how responsible and caring he is, he’ll usually do all he can to live up to that image. Just to make her proud, he’ll rise up and move mountains."

I leave it there, folks.