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Speak love,make love


When romance dies in a marriage, perspective is lost and spouses hand each other more barbs than banquets.

So how can you get your relationship back on track?

In counselling sessions, it’s common to hear “...I don’t love him/her any more, we seem to be living miles apart or we have irreconcilable differences.” Below are a few tips to keep that fire burning.


Communication has to do with listening to understand and building consensus in the relationship. “I love You, I am sorry, please must be part of your vocabulary. When demands replace requests in the relationship, romance will not thrive. Treat your spouse like a customer, be courteous and be the first to seek forgiveness.

Studies reveal that the more couples live together, the less they talk. This may be because of familiarity, assuming you know so much about your spouse as well as lack of curiosity in your partner.

Re-create together

Left over time is not enough to build romance. I advise couples to have a date night once a week. This day is dedicated for the two of you to bond despite the busy schedules, parenting drama and so forth. You can go out hiking, watch a movie, play together. This can bridge rifts that result from drifts in relationships. Drift is a gradual alienation that occurs because you are not investing time with each other.

Ignite attraction

Were you to him or her? What are the foundational things that defined your relationship? These two questions will help you go back in time to see some qualities, strengths, gifting that may have informed your decision to commit your life to them. You may discover the beauty is in there waiting to be rescued. The physical may change either through ageing or child bearing. Commit to work at your health and appearance. To the ladies, men are visual, and if you can do something about your wardrobe and bedroom impressions as well. To the men, if your spouse is not able to regain the original shape, you did not just marry hips. There is a character in her that can hold your marriage together. Furthermore, marriage is founded on commitment, not just romance.

Speak your mate’s love language

Dr Gary Chapman in his book Five Love Languages, cites – words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and so forth as the predominant love languages. Your spouse has at least one language that communicates love to him/her. To some men, love equals respect whereas to some women love equals time. When you don’t communicate your spouse’s love language they don’t feel loved, or enough romance.

Focus on me

To change the marriage, take responsibility for changing yourself first. There are small things you can do- make sacrifices, initiate dialogue, surprise him or her, be approachable, quick to forgive, slow to anger, be positive and stop the blame game. Be accountable to each other, talk about your future plans .

Physical affection

Be physically affectionate. Hold hands, hug and cuddle. Frequent physical contact, even in public, keeps your romance alive.

God centered relationship

Happy marriages is a tripartite that involves the man, woman and God .You are not sufficient sin yourself to love your spouse. Pray that God who created her will change his/her heart and make it tender. When He has healed your relationship wounds, you can love again, forgive and release.

The writer is an author, marriage and relationships counselor. You can reach her on [email protected]

Photo: hellobeatiful.com




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