Unladylike behaviour men hate

By Tony Mochama

Australia recently got rid of its cute Prime Minister Julianne Gillard, although I am pretty sure she will get all her retirement dues and be allowed access to their VIP III. And it was while checking up on their parliamentary procedures that I stumbled upon their ‘unreasonable behaviour’ laws that can be grounds for a divorce in the Land Down Under.

Forget the Frankensteins, like cruelty and adultery; there are some annoying and vexatious mannerisms amongst some so-called ‘ladies’ that can seriously affect how a chap views you, whether you are his wife, fiancée, girlfriend or just a date.

Noisy eating: This is a very annoying habit that no well brought up lady should display. Forget that thing about not using forks and so on, that men admire women who ‘eat with relish,’ we do not, really.

As you massacre that manioc and managu with your mandibles, pinch big lumps of ugali, stuff your face into the soup dish with relish, slurp your uji and masticate the meat, the open jaw expression is not admiration of your gargantuan appetite, it is horror.

Burbs and Farts

When eating, pick at your food and chew like a lady, not like some hungry lumberjack on a lunch break from the mjengo.

Passenger driving: Ask any man who has ever driven with a woman who is also ‘driving’ (no, not that stomach driving, rather that drivel from her mouth), and he’ll confess it drives him up the wall, or off the road, and stuff goes south from there.

Cars are among the key places where tempers flare and frays begin. The wars of the sexes are fought out on car seats, hence the stony, silent demeanour between many a man or woman. “Slow down,” “can you see that other car?” and the infamous “you are lost … again!”

Amateur TV, film and sports commentating are also a source of great vexation and frustration for many a man. We really do not need to share your pain about how the wicked Evita is derailing the plans of the poor but humble (and beautiful) Esmeralda to get together with the hero, Alessandro. Those funny soaps that come weekdays between 8 and 9pm, are a chance for him to catch up with the day’s papers, before KTN Prime News, having spent the 7 to 8pm hour helping out with the kids’ homework.

If you’re tempted to talk during a film, stuff some popcorn in your gob. And asking, with enthusiasm, which rugby team Wanyama is joining on opening day of the EPL (if you’re wondering what the ‘EPL’ is, sister, I’m talking to you) should get you a box about the ears.

‘Unsolicited advice,’ ama nagging (as we call it here) also constitutes unreasonable behaviour. I believe some women really think men come with ears, but no memory, because they sure repeat themselves over and again, like a DvD gone loopy. Reminding him to pay the rent come Monday, or sort the fees every two hours of the weekend, doesn’t increase the chances of that happening if it wasn’t gonna happen in the first place. Throw in corny maxims, aphorisms and bible sayings, and you have a complete package of a harridan.

Shameless burps and farts are infuriating coming out of anyone. They are gross to the ‘n’th factor if the noxious fumes are being emitted from the orifice of a lass. You are not a college freshman to be soiling the air, or a truck driver who just had stale beans for dinner to be belching ovyo ovyo. Get a grip on your intestines and innards, girl.

Last but not least, remember guys like being paid attention to, especially when they’re talking. Facebooking, twittering, texting, Black-berrying or otherwise being buried in your high tech gizmos when out on a date, is the most mannerless  of 21st Century infamy.