Stop that critisicm in its tracks!

By Jennifer Karina

An attractive young couple — Jeff and Joyce — seemed to have it all. Regrettably, their perfect image concealed a widening gap between them.

According to Joyce, she has never  felt loved. She confesses: “Often he criticised me about everything including sex,  which made me feel inadequate. This made me become angry, resentful and vengeful. No matter what I do, he does not notice anything good in me. He is always critical especially about my appearance, although others always commend me and tell me how attractive I am. This is killing me slowly.”

Like Jeff, an overly critical partner can damage one’s self-worth and esteem. Hurtful words have the potential to wound individuals for life, affecting the capacity to connect intimately.  If your partner puts you down, never affirms you and always has something negative to point out about you, it is time to say ‘no’ to the criticism. 

Red flags

Excessive criticism is not normal in relationships and should not be tolerated. It is important that you do not blame yourself for taking personal responsibility of the offender.  No one is perfect but having your partner being critical of you constantly can be annoying and provokes negative self perception.  Do not take the criticism personally, deal with the issues constructively.

Whatever the case, do not let your partner’s critical behaviour go unquestioned. It is not uncommon for the criticised partner to become tired and weary of defending themselves!

Fear of conflict makes partners avoid discussing their feelings, afraid that it may damage the relationship. This can be dangerous as feeling of being hurt can go unattended and subsequently fester and turn into resentment and retaliation.

On the other hand, the criticised partner can also take a defensive stand and become aggressive or combative.

How to deal with your partner’s constant criticism

First, acknowledge constant criticism is an emotional abuse. Make every effort to internally dispute the negative messages given by the critical partner. 

Practise assertive skills, and address the criticism timely to avoid it becoming a habit.

At the opportune time, repeat to the partner what they said and talk about how your feelings are affected by the criticism.

Discuss openly with your partner about issues that put you down or words that you’d rather he did not use.  On the other hand, if hurtful words have been used against you, you need to let go.

Seek professional help when the situation gets out of hand because denial is no healer of a critical partner.

Take some action before you lose yourself in the shadows of criticism.Deal with what the real issues are and remember that you are valuable.

The writer is a relationship coach and author of Marriage Built to Last.You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke