Living peacefully with mother-in-law

When it comes to in-law relationships, it is not always horrendous. GARDY CHACHA found wome who co-exist peacefully with their mothers-in law

“He might be your husband but he is my son!”

These words may be spoken or may embody the thoughts of an angry  mother-in-law when communicating with the wife of her son.

Not that mothers-in-law are born acerbic to their daughters-in-law; it just happens that the fulcrum of their relationship has a certain degree of grit that makes for a battle triangle between a son, a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law.

But in an age where war already chars the surface of the earth, any more heat within a family makes life a morose adventure.
It is only last year that images of a mother to a successful millionaire athlete brandishing a machete on one hand and a damning club on the other graced local screens. The woman went virile on her daughter-in-law, accusing her of murdering her son.

Arranged marriages
Monica Mucheru, a psychologist at Kivuli Counselling Centre in Ngong, offers that there’s the tendency for a mother-in-law to feel invaded by the new entrant in the life of her child, since attention would greatly shift from her to the son or daughter’s spouse.

Mucheru further explains: “When individuals marry, they enter into new families that are often different in culture and lifestyle. It takes time for them to settle and be part of the newly acquired family, which should create a lively environment to ease the transition.”

Ideally, a mother-in-law is supposed to let their son or daughter live a relatively detached life. In many traditional African cultures, a husband was chosen by the girl’s parents. Decades of transformation in our thinking and civilisation has usurped the powers of a parent to cajole their daughter or son into marrying someone for the sake of maintaining status and appeasing the gods of tradition.

But although lovebirds can now choose a partner, it seems mothers-in-law — especially those of the husband — are likely to incessantly have a hand in the crafting of decisions (of immense importance) like having grandchildren and the proportion of monetary assistance she receives.

The influence of the husband’s mother is pronounced because in many cultures, the girl marries into the man’s family and has to adapt to the new relationship. 

The usual disposition of a mother-in-law is largely dependent on how well life is unfolding in her son or daughter’s house.
Agnes Maina, a married businesswoman, points out that trust forms the centre of in-law relationships.

Relationship modalities
“The society has many stereotypes and before you get married, you hear descriptions of your would-be mother-in-law and she’s also told about you in very unflattering remarks. So, going into your marriage, the mood between you two is already tense,” she says, adding, “From your first encounter as her son’s wife, there are feelings of mistrust, which lay the foundation for an explosive relationship.”

However, Agnes says it’s not always that a mother-in law-fights her son’s spouse.
According to her, the strain in the relationship is often influenced by others in the family including sisters and brothers of the groom or bride who have vested interests and who could be feeling jilted.

Agnes, who co-exists peacefully with her mother-in-law, says the relationship between a mother-in-law and the daughter or son-in-law should be smooth since there’s no unanimous contention between them.

“The way her son loves me and the way he loves her are different and there isn’t any reason why a rift should emerge,” she says.

Mucheru argues that for relationships with a mother-in-law to be free of squabbles, the mother has to accept that her son/daughter has begun a new chapter of his/her life. She should understand the boundaries of her influence in their marriage and let go of the lovebirds to fly their own flight, make their own mistakes and learn from them.

For Mary Mulonde, a retiree and a mother-in-law to a daughter and a son, there shouldn’t be any trouble between a mother-in-law and a son/daughter-in-law if they all understand the modalities of their relationships. She notes that a mother will always remain a mother to their child even when they marry.

“I am not supposed to intervene at every stage of their relationship, but if something is wrong, it is prudent to point it out,” she says.  “At the end of the day, you do it because you’d love to see your daughter or son living in harmony with their respective spouses.”

Asha Yusuf, a married businesswoman in Nairobi, believes mothers-in-law can be nice to live with if there are no hard feelings towards each other. Her marriage is neither beleaguered nor influenced by her mother-in-law.

“The first time we were introduced, she didn’t seem to have trouble with me, and that has remained that way for years now,” she says. “We have mutual respect and rarely does she interject in my marital affairs.”

Outside forces
From a Christian perspective, Father James Mwangi of Holy Cross Catholic Church says God orders a man and a woman to leave their parents and form their own entity, which should be free of hiccups and disturbance. He further notes: “Marriage brought to existence by God shouldn’t be interfered with by any outside forces.”

He, however, adds that because of her experience, a mother-in-law is welcome to infuse logic and words of wisdom where necessary.

Counsellor Mucheru advises that relationships with mothers-in-law could be smoother if factors affecting the relationship are merged to favour none. She says hostility only occurs where there’s no communication and enough distance to separate lives.

According to her, talking out issues congruently will weed out doubts, mistrusts and any other hard feelings that may exist between mothers-in-law and their sons and daughters-in-law.