Older women, younger men

By Harold Ayodo

The lavish wedding of Paul and Ruth Muli took place at Rock City Hotel on Kiambu Road.

That evening, their ceremony was splashed on television sets and captured in newspapers the following day.

Ruth and Paul Muli in their office. Photo: maxwell agwanda/standard

The only reason their union attracted media and public attention was because of the 21-year age difference between man (who was the younger of the two) and wife.

While everyone else was paying attention to the age difference, the dreadlocked Paul did not see Ruth as being considerably older than him. Neither did he ever contemplate the notion that she was an unlikely match for him.

So what motivated him to make the bold move?

"I was overwhelmed by her beauty," says Paul.

"I did not even notice her age."

He smiles at the memory of their meeting four years ago in Nairobi. As the owner of a modelling agency, Touch International, Paul meets beautiful women every day, but he resolved to put the age factor between him and Ruth, a wealthy businesswoman and real estate developer, aside and give their love a chance.

Today, they show all signs of happiness and they hope God will bless them with children, soon.

Interestingly, the couple’s families are supportive. Paul’s mother, for instance, says he is an adult who is entitled to make his decisions.

She further asserts that no one should interfere with his happiness.

Ruth has grown up children who say they are happy their mother has finally found a soul mate.

The union between Paul and Ruth is not unique. An increasing number of young men are dating older women.

This emerging trend is a pointer that such romantic relationships are no longer about money as couples cite diverse reasons for being together. Sociologists also agree that the phenomenon of younger men dating older women is an indication of what they term ‘age integration’.

According to Dr Karatu Kiemo, a sociology scholar at University of Nairobi, research shows such relationships are not wrong.

"Relationships are no longer pegged on age but on the satisfaction individuals derive from the union," Dr Kiemo says.

The cross-generational relationships are a sign that the society is undergoing a transformation.

"A cross generation relationship is one in which the man or woman belongs to another age set, and where the man or woman may be relatively older," Dr Kiemo says.

The scholar says senior bachelors aged 30 years and above are seeking mates aged between 20 and 24, which is having an effect on the dating scene.

"The result is that older, single women who are over 30 years and younger men are left hanging, so they are hooking up," Dr Kiemo adds.

Traditionally, younger women prefer older men because of their financial stability and experience in life.

robust society

In general, romantic relationships serve five functions — sexual gratification, reproduction, supportive care, placement and giving children an identity.

"More women and men are ready to end up with those who serve the five functions irrespective of age," Dr Kiemo says.

The sociologist adds that the increasing number of younger men-older women unions are indicative of a robust society that is no longer tied to age restrictions.

"Age is no longer a discriminatory factor," he says. "I have male friends who have married women 20 years their junior and they are still happy," Dr Kiemo says.

The loneliness suffered by widows and divorcees drives many women to the arms of men who show they care, even if they are half their age.

According to Dr Kiemo, relationships between younger men and older women could, in future, have varied impact on society.

"Young men going for older women who are in their menopausal phase risk not having children," Dr Kiemo warns.

Meanwhile, couples who defy the traditional belief that men should be older in relationships argue that compatibility and respect for each other matters.

Legally, there are no provisions that compel men of legal age to date or marry younger women.

It is, therefore, not strange to see an older woman with a younger man in most social places in the country’s major cities and towns.

Nevertheless, society still frowns on such relationships where the woman is older, and it is for this reason that some opt to elope, co-habit or wed in private.

For Sylvia Nyokabi, 37, her past relationship with a man who was seven years her senior drove her to Frank Mutiso, 29.

"My ex physically abused me severally before I resolved to be single and to never date again," Sylvia recalls.

As fate would have it, Sylvia enrolled for a Masters in Business Administration (MBA) at the University of Nairobi where she met Frank. Both work in the Information Technology sector.

"He was just different from my ex and we had a lot in common including our profession and ambitions," says Sylvia.

Initially, the eight-year age gap was an issue because she was afraid of being branded a cradle snatcher.

"Age is nothing but a number," says Sylvia.

"I had an older man who could not face life the way Frank does.

Sylvia’s relatives have criticised the relationship but they have had to accept it, especially after she announded they were planning to tie the knot in December.

Introduce to parents

Sylvia and Frank believe they are meant for each other.

"You can only appreciate the meaning of a good relationship after walking out of an abusive one, so I don’t care what society thinks," Sylvia says.

After the wedding, Frank will move out of his house and move in with Sylvia. He already has introduced her to his parents.

"Sylvia’s age was an issue when I introduced her to my relatives but I resolved to give them time as I had already made up my mind," Frank says.

For businesswoman Diana Mwamburi, 39, loneliness made her kick-start a relationship with Brian, 34, an architect.

"My husband passed away three years after our marriage in 2000. I had a daughter and I resolved to pick up the pieces and move on with my life," says Diana.

After Brian expressed interest to meet her parents to formalise their relationship, Diana knew he had no problem with her age and accepting her daughter.

"The age factor does not matter as long as you are happy together. Maybe God planned it this way," says Diana.

According to Esther Wanjiku, 36, her doors are open to any man who is compatible with her, irrespective of age.

"Society has changed and more women are like me — we chased careers and education into our 30s," says Esther.

She argues that most men her age and older do not feel comfortable settling down with women like her who are more mature and accomplished.

"I would not mind an older man but who says dating a younger man who is equally mature is a criminal offence?" Esther poses.

Dr Kiemo concurs with her, arguing that the contemporary woman wants to first achieve academically and professionally before settling down.

"Pointing accusing fingers at women delaying to get married into their 30s is not fair as women have been empowered to chase their dreams," Dr Kiemo says.

Law lecturer and advocate of the High Court Beldine Obiero attributes the changing trends to a dynamic society.

"More women want to further their studies before thinking of settling down. I do not believe that age ‘catches’ up," Beldine says.

Most couples in relationships where the woman is older wonder why it is never an issue when a man is dating a woman 20 years younger.

In it for money

"There is freedom of expression. Let women settle down with people they are comfortable with," Esther says.

Interestingly, it could be argued that contrary to beliefs, some of the men dating or marrying older women are in the union for money.

Take the case of Paul and Ruth who both own separate flourishing businesses.

"Paul said he wanted a simple woman whom he could love, marry and live with," Ruth says.

According to Dr Kiemo, most of these relationships are not pegged on money saying research has proven that most couples are genuine.

"Most of the older women are lonely and derive their satisfaction from younger men as their peers bond with younger women," Dr Kiemo says.

Paul says when he realised Ruth was wealthy, he suspected it would be a stumbling block to their love.

"I did not want her to think I was after her money," he says.

Paul is happy that Ruth knows he is with her because he loves her and hopes God will bless them with children soon.

"We are planning to have a big family," says Paul. "We have asked God for four children and, somehow, I know He will give us."