The problem with cohabiting before marriage

NANCY NJAGI-MBITHI tells couples why they should legalise their union right from the start

Life in the city can be expensive and in some cases, it makes sense to share expenses with a friend or, even better, a boyfriend or girlfriend.

At times, loneliness also makes us move in with a partner.

Single parenthood is also not easy and it may look like the best option to move in with the father (or mother) of the child with the hope that the two of you will eventually be joined in holy matrimony.

Planning a wedding is also another expense that involves a great deal of planning and which might leave you in debt — so why not just move in together and see how it works?

However, all the above reasons and many more have been identified as the wrong reasons for going into marriage.

Cohabiting or come-we-stay relationships as we commonly refer to them are known to come with a whole pack of problems.

There is no vow or promise of staying together until death, meaning commitment towards each other and the marriage is missing from the onset of the relationship.

Two people may not agree all the time but commitment to each other and to the family will keep them together. Also, people meet and interact with other attractive people other than their spouses. What helps control the feelings or thoughts is that a couple is committed to each other and have decided to stick it out together for better or worse.

Jumping ship

In cohabiting relationships, the commitment is missing. There is little desire to make the marriage work.

When there is some shake up, either of the partners will not find it difficult to jump off the ship. When either of the partners identifies another attractive person, they are more likely to once again jump off the ship than a couple who have vowed before God and man to live together.

There is magic in making the vow. People who find it hard to commit to marriage also find it difficult making decisions and they are not able to move on with life’s essential tasks.

The vow to live together produces a bond and strengthens the love. This helps the couple overcome difficulties that may arise.

So instead of moving in and out of a relationship, why not work at legalising it from the onset? Why not get into marriage for all the right reasons? Why not wait until you are ready for marriage before moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend?

The realisation that one is not ‘properly’ married often makes a spouse hold back by not fully participating in the running of the home. Each person will look out for himself or herself and yet the relationship requires them to both look out for each other. This is the beginning of conflict and suffering.

The moving in and out of the relationship at will is not conducive for a marriage and could destabilise the children. So legalise your marriage, but do it within your means.