Want to be a mistress? Here’s a guide

The Mistresses   PHOTO:COURTESY

I am a stickler for rules. I like rules because they help bring a sense of order in this very chaotic world. And don’t get me started on what is proper and what is improper. I know sometimes I assume the role of an expert and can talk about this and that to no end. I’m like an energizer bunny of sorts.

Today, I’m tempted to focus on mistresses. Yes, the woman who willingly accepts to be a secret lover.

To me, such arrangement makes no sense at all. I simply do not understand why any woman would willingly want to share a man with another woman. Interestingly, there are women who have no qualms being mistresses. Anyway, who am I to judge?

Having said that, I think, whatever the case, we must at least have some etiquette to keep these kinds of relationships in check.

Thus, I came up with the following guidelines. Look, even if you decide to be the “other” woman, methinks decorum must still prevail. 

Firstly, you should go in knowing exactly what you are getting yourself into. Don’t start crying a few months down the line about marriage, yet when you got in, you knew very well that there was another woman. Remember, you are having fun, not courting; so don’t get your knockers in a twist. There are no rainbows or butterflies at the end of this tunnel.

Secondly, you must know your place and respect the “number one” — his wife. Because that well- kept man, whose company and money you enjoy, is the product of someone’s hard work. So if you know he is with his wife, try not to call or text. In fact, the dictates of this kind of relationship require that the man should initiate all communications.

Thirdly, don’t get funny ideas about love. If he tells you he loves you more than his wife, don’t let that get into your head. Reason? He only visits you for some good time, but permanently lives with his wife. And most importantly, keep away from his wife.

Fourthly, be ready to be alone over the holidays. If you want to be the mistress, be ready to give up everything from Valentine’s Day, to Christmas Day, and even his birthday. Very cruel, I know, but that’s the price you pay for getting into such a relationship. Holidays are always family time.

Lastly, please use the money you get to go to school and get a job. Or better still, save something because chances that you will soon be replaced with someone newer and younger are very high. Try as much as possible not to be like those women whose lives take dramatic turns just because they got dumped.

It’s not funny when your friends discover that you are living in a three-bedroom apartment in Runda, shop in London, and the next minute you are homeless.

And please ladies, be wise and keep receipts, and ensure you own the property he buys you. And just because you drive a car and park it in your driveway does not make it yours. You need a log book in order to call a car yours.