Curious New Year resolutions in my camp

By TONY MASIKONDE

KENYA: It is quite possible that despite the fact that we are just six days into the New Year, a couple of the New Year resolutions have already been broken.

 Just the same way the legendary Moses of the Bible slammed down the Ten Commandments on arriving from a rendezvous with God to find his people worshipping idols.

That notwithstanding, my boys and I have made some New Year resolutions.

Frao has had a bit of a difficult year last year and it was understandable that his New Year resolutions list was as long as that of Nairobi land rate defaulters.

To start with, Frao has decided that he will only be taking whisky, no brown bottles and out, too, goes the brandy.

Knowing Frao, this will be a difficult one to keep; I don’t see it going beyond Valentine’s Day.

Talking of Valentine, Frao has sworn that he will sort out his love life. This will be an interesting one to watch. Since knowing Frao, he is more than capable of engaging in break-up sex with several girls often, if that is what it would take to fold several women’s hems effortlessly.

I still remember how he famously announced that he is like a football manager who does not know his first eleven players.

Frao has also vowed to keep his borrowing habits under check. Now, I would be frank with you all, if Frao were to keep this part of the bargain, I would have a trouble-free year.

This is because in the last couple of years, Frao has turned me into a revolving fund. I get paid on third and the money is borrowed back by 20th of each month. Even my missus knows that now.

I had tried to keep it under wraps, and in my budget, I would put Sh10,000 and mark it as ‘Friend’. But one day the memsahib descended on me and demanded to know where the 10k goes.

Of course, I immediately let the cat out of the bag. Unconvinced, she called Frao and thankfully, she found Frao in a sober state to explain it all. She does not like him anyway; she suspects he can easily mislead me towards the valley of beauties.

One of the big surprises in Frao’s basket of New Year resolutions is the one about his spiritual wellbeing.

He says that he wants to mend his ways and make going to church a regular fixture in his week. Now I’m tempted to dismiss this outrightly, but again I do not want to be quoted extensively as the man who shooed Frao away from his maker.

As for our girl Stella, her New Year resolutions are as curious as Frao’s.

Regular readers of this column will tell that Frao and Stella tend to be the most free spirited in our gang of boys band, and it’s little wonder that their resolutions are quite similar.

Stella, too, has vowed to sort out her love life. She has to do this by getting a constant boyfriend, preferably someone older than her.

In her marketing profession, Stella is more than capable of getting a peer, but the girl has an insatiable desire for young university students.

I will wait and see whether she can keep her legs together in the presence of a young hunk.

She has also vowed to get a baby this year, but what worries me is that she says this resolution is not necessarily tied to the previous one.

This, therefore, means that getting a stable man and having a baby are two separate resolutions and are not necessarily linked to one another. I just hope she is not shopping for a sperm donor among her group of close male pals.

This is because one of my New Year resolutions is to help my pals keep their resolutions without breaking mine. While I can donate blood, as for sperm...well, I am considering.

Make your new year’s wishes resolute.