Courting danger for hanky panky

Would you take a married woman to her husband’s bed? DAVID ODONGO writes about men and women with a death wish for whom the rush of adrenalin associated with risk of capture is the ultimate aphrodisiac

There is nothing as sweet as illicit love. Men have been caught with other people’s girlfriends or wives since time immemorial.

It doesn’t matter whether a man has three or four wives, but the thought of sleeping with a married woman, in her husband’s bed, turns men into fools who venture into places and situations a level-headed man would never dare.

Night duty

A Nairobi bachelor well known for his exploits with married women, once slipped into a police officer’s house when the man of the house was supposed to be on night duty.  He was ‘busy’ when the proverbial knock on the door sounded and the only place the naked man could hide was a drum half filled with water. The woman covered the drum, to conceal the naked man.

“I could hear the man walk into the house to find his wife covered in a kanga. I guess she had thrown my clothes under the bed. I heard her tell her husband that she had been sleeping naked because she was thinking of him,” he recalls.

He chuckled and naughtily told her to make him a cup tea to quench his thirst before he could quench hers.

“When she came to draw water from the drum, she had to push my head deeper. I held my breath until she covered the drum and left,” he says.

Unfortunately, the officer decided to abscond duty and stay at home ‘quenching his wife’s thirst’.

“I stayed in the drum the whole night. I could hear the two making out. It was so cold and I was squatting in the drum with water covering my body up to the neck. I felt like taking a piss and when I couldn’t hold it any longer, I let it out inside the water,” recalls the randy chap.

He says at some point, he got so tired that he wanted to shout for help but his voice failed him. He tried standing up but he was numb. He couldn’t stand.

“I had decided I would rather face a beating than stay inside the drum any longer. But my body refused to respond,” he says.

In the morning, the woman woke up early and drew water from the drum, which she used — boyfriend’s piss and all — to prepare tea for her husband. When the officer left, she rushed to the drum to release her lover, only to find him locked in a squatting position. She had to roll the drum near the door and pour out the water, together with her lover who was now numb.

He stayed on the floor, wrapped in blankets for nearly an hour, before blood circulation was restored.

“That’s how I got the name ‘Amphibian’. All my friends call me Amph to date,” he says with pride, recounting a pub story he has told numerous times.

But that incident only frightened him for a short duration and in no time, he was back to his philandering ways.

Sly

A similar incident occurred at the University of Nairobi’s students’ halls. A sly young man, slight in build, was nuts about a well-built rugby player’s girlfriend. One day, he managed to sweet talk her into sleeping with him and since he shared his room with other students, he waited for a day her boyfriend would be travelling out of town for a rugby match and struck.

“I quickly went to her room. Problem is I fell asleep afterwards,” recalls the young man known as Sly.

“When we woke up, we decided to make love once more, and while we were at it, her boyfriend, who was drunk, came banging on the door.

kill

“My blood froze and the girl quickly told me to hide under the bed as she hid my clothes inside a pillow case. I knew that the drunk rugby player would easily kill me if he found me in his girlfriend room,” recalls Sylvester.

University beds are always a few inches off the ground but Sylvester managed to slither and hide away from sight.

“Like all drunken men, he wanted action and the spring bed kept hitting my face all time as the two made love. I nearly ruptured my lungs suppressing sneezes as the mattress kept whipping dust into my face. The guy later fell asleep with his hand hanging over the bed, barely inches from my nose,” says Sylvester. 

He remained transfixed in the same position the whole night until her boyfriend left the next morning. To add insult to injury, Sylvester caught pneumonia two days later.

But why do men put themselves in mortal danger for a little hanky panky?

“Anything that for one reason or another is considered forbidden, is usually the sweetest. I have seen friends leave their beautiful wives at home to go make love to a married woman(who isn’t even half as beautiful as their wives or girlfriends), in her house,” says John Kariuki, an IT technician.

And it is not just about men. There are cases of women who have no qualms about spending the night in a man’s house although they know he is not only married but also stays with his wife. A married athlete, for instance, is known to sneak women into a guest bedroom in his home and sneak them out in the wee hours of the morning.

Risk

“The man has money. He can afford to take his lover to a five star hotel, but he swears the risk that his wife might catch him makes it sweeter,” says Tanui, the athlete’s friend, adding that the athlete can’t function without a whiff of danger.

“For him, it has to be the car park, the town hall or his house, otherwise he wont enjoy the encounter,” explains Tanui.

When such adventurous males often get caught, the story makes ‘headlines’ around the estate.

Take the case of a pilot who came home early because his flight was cancelled and found a naked man in his house, lounging in the living room. He quickly went to the bedroom and came out with a rungu.

Residents say they saw a tall, dark, naked man dart out of the apartment in Nairobi West with a fully dressed pilot in a captain’s uniform, complete with the pilot’s cap, in hot pursuit. The man was never seen again, and neither was the pilot’s girlfriend.

Sleepovers

Another rogue recalls the days he used to go to a woman’s house for sleepovers even though he knew the house was paid for by a top CID officer who has since retired.

“One day, as we lay in bed, the watchman rang my girlfriend and whispered, “Mzee amefika (the old man has arrived)!

She quickly shoved my clothes into a closet and told me to hide in there as well. I heard the CID  boss walk in, unstrap his gun and place it on the table. He then removed a second pistol and placed in on the table. That day, I knew I was going to die,” says, Otieno, the rogue.

The house was a bedsitter. He could see through the partially opened closet door and hear everything as the man who paid the rent received a ‘bonus’ on his investment.

“I was rooted on the spot, frozen with fear. I don’t even think I was breathing. Only later did I realise I had peed in the closet!” says Otieno.

These thrills extend even to the high and mighty. During the divorce between anti-apartheid icons Nelson and Winnie Mandela, rumours emerged that Winnie and her lover Dali Mpofu had romps on the presidential jet with Madiba aboard.

And Swaziland Justice Minister  Ndumiso Mamba had to hide under a bed when he was busted by State agents in the arms of Nothando Dube, King Mswati’s  12th wife.

Courting danger, it seems, is the name of the game.