Fatherhood blues

Fatherhood is probably the greatest achievement in a man’s life, but it is not all glory and pride. Fatherhood shakes some men to the core, as Njoki Chege found out

Tim Obiero had once entertained the thought of being a father, but when his girlfriend announced excitedly that she was pregnant, his world fell apart.

“I mean, I had always considered being a dad someday, but not this soon! I cannot explain what I felt. It was a cocktail of emotions; nervousness, fear, and even anger towards her for allowing herself to get pregnant,” said Obiero.

The news, Tim says, hit him like a thunderbolt, jolting him into a world of uncertainty. What if he wouldn’t make a good father? What if he didn’t have enough money to buy pampers, feed the tot and educate her?

But his worst fears were confirmed the minute his girlfriend texted him, “Haki baby labour pains zimeanza. Come ASAP. (Baby, the labour pains have started, come as soon as possible).”

“I was in the pub having one for the road. I knew the baby was around the corner, but not that soon!” he says.

Five missed calls and three livid text messages later, Tim found his way home in a taxi and took his wailing (and abusive) wife to the maternity ward.

“The way she was screaming, kicking and hurling insults at me gave me a rude welcome to fatherhood. It was like I was paying for sins I had committed,” says Tim.

Harsh Reality

But Tim is not alone. He is just one of a thousand new fathers, who are jolted into harsh reality by news of a wife’s or girlfriend’s pregnancy — so much that it sends them into panic mode. Fatherhood is nice and all, but what many men will not admit is that given the chance, they would put off this huge task for another day. For more reasons than one!

Take for instance one young father who goes by the name Baba Tracy. Now Tracy is the most adorable cute tot with creamy white eyes and a joyful squeaky laughter. But that’s all about Tracy.

“The moment she came into our lives our lives changed,” says Baba Tracy. “She saps all our energy, we suddenly cannot spend recklessly like before as she can pull a surprise anytime. Thus the emergency account is always intact.”

It is obvious that fatherhood presents more responsibility especially to the dads who are usually not ready for the huge responsibility.

And this responsibility does not start the moment the baby checks-in; far from that, it starts the moment she announces (why do they feel the need to ‘announce’) “Honey, we are pregnant!”

Are these the words most dreaded by men?

“It is a life-changing statement. It is a simple statement, laced with a lot of responsibility, sleepless nights, screaming wife and baby, among so many things you will never get used to,” says Martin Mutai, a father of two.

Is it these reasons that we are having more absentee fathers and husbands than ever before? Just because fatherhood scares the hell out of most men?

Thomas Khakasa is a father of three boys, two in high school and one in primary school. For all the three times his wife delivered, Thomas was conveniently ‘away on business’ for one reason or the other. He would accompany his wife occasionally to the clinic for check-ups, but when she was due in a week or a few days, a nondescript business trip would come up and he would be on his heels.

“But I didn’t leave her hanging, of course. I would hire a taxi for her and tell her to call that taxi when time came. Then I would show up three or four days after baby was born. Worked well for me,” says Tom.

Daunting task

When asked why he would do this, Tom had a ready answer, “Because it scared the hell out of me.”

Indeed, that daunting wait at the hospital corridors, the hair pulling and the uncertainty of a new baby is hard for some men, until they realise that is just the tip of the iceberg. There is more to it, the sleepless nights, frequent trips to the hospital during ungodly hours and learning how to change diapers. Of course, your funds are now limited and demands from the new mother increases by the day.

Baba Tracy for one has a problem with the endless, and sometimes impossible demands from his young wife, who is also grappling with young motherhood.

“They don’t realise that I am still young and I want to continue enjoying my life like I did before the baby came,” he says.

The young mothers, for instance, expect you to be home early, spend your weekends indoors, and help bathe, feed and change the baby — a perfect recipe for a lackluster youth.

Fear

It is for this reason that many men will shy away from going home; to a crying baby and whining wife.

“If you look at my wife now and look at the ‘fun’ girl she used to be before the baby came, you would think they are two different people,” says Baba Tracy.                                       

A few women interviewed by Crazy Monday will attest to the fact that their men are scared to death upon their ‘big announcement’.

Gone is the bold and confident young man who approached her so boldly, and enter this man so afraid of responsibility.

“We don’t want them to turn into women, we just want them to actively participate in raising their baby; baby we made together,” says Alice Njambi, a mother of two.

While most would admit that they could sometimes be overbearing, nagging and serial whiners, all what these women are asking for is a helping hand.

Mercy Kendi almost lost her husband and consequently her marriage for “simply asking him to walk a mile in my shoes”.

“He was complaining that we were not having regular sex like they way we used to before the baby. I was tired most of the time and all my attention was focused on the baby. I suggested that if he helped a little, then maybe I would not be so tired. He went quiet on me for days,” says Kendi.

Most men will agree unanimously that the frequency of sex reduces drastically once baby checks-in. Mother is overly occupied with the baby; she barely has time for him. If she needs him, it is not to cuddle or have some great sex, but to pass him the diaper or watch the baby while she rushes to the salon, or bathe the baby as she warms his food.

The period after the baby is born is a break or make period, as a couple’s patience is put on the test. For instance, how long they can go without intimacy.

“These men need to understand where we are coming from. Giving birth is hard enough, but the real work begins after the baby is born. It is natural instinct that leads us to give the baby more attention and I expect the men to understand this,” says Kendi.