Man dumps wife for obsession with weddings

BY HAMZA BABU

KENYA: Mlachake was a well meaning husband, but his wife’s fetish for weddings drove him round the bend.

She resisted all attempts by nature to retire and age gracefully with her husband. Instead, she squandered the man’s fortune with her extravagant spending on what they call at the Coast Sare ya harusi (wedding gown).

“You’d think the old witch was getting married the way she goes gaga whenever a young couple announced that they are getting hitched,” complained Mlachake. Nobody paid any attention to him. Little did we know that the woman’s habits were one day going to lodge snug in the man’s mind.

She was the local socialite who had to grace every wedding. And she could not be caught dead in the same dress twice. So it was upon Mlachake to move heaven and earth to buy her Sare ya harusi. Or else...

Rumour had it that the wife would refer to him as Kaka Braza while she became Sista Du (siblings). Meaning and end to Mlachake’s conjugal rights.

She has been heard advising him to go report to the Kadhi if he was too disgruntled, “Maybe he will take pity on you and lend you his wife,” she would rub it in.

And as the saying goes, ‘Mwanaume ni effort’, Mlachake did his best not to disappoint. Unfortunately, his life’s savings took a strain.

Moan

He would come to Kahawa Tungu and moan whenever a wedding was announced. He knew it was torture to him — paying for a sare ya harusi through the nose.

“Can’t these people just join in matrimony, without so much fanfare?” he would wonder.

“But why not have villagers have fun the way we celebrated when you were joining in holy matrimony with Swabrina?” Nur chides him.

“My friend, when I was getting married to Swabrina, she was a clueless virgin who did not even appreciate the significance of a wedding,” he recalls.

“We had a simple ceremony, people ate pilau and that was all, unlike nowadays when disobedient wives have to ‘banjuka (dance)’ to Rusha Roho tune the whole night,” he continued.

But we all knew that his main beef was the cost of the wedding on his personal finances. Besides the wife disappearing for severeal days in a row, she had to have expensive jewellery and do expensive henna tattoos.

Farewell

So when the fellow decided that he had had enough, we were all taken aback. There was a wedding and as the wife had disappeared to participate fully, he appeared at the entrance of Kahawa Tungu to bid his buddies farewell.

“What do you mean ‘Mubaki Salama (stay safe)?” someone asked.

“I bet she will realise I left long after I arrive in Arusha,” he said. “I have sold everything and have left Swabrina all the weddings she can attend,” he said.

And just like that, he disappeared and never to be seen again.

I hear he settled down with an obedient bongo (Tanzanian) lady. She may have many children, but she does not attend weddings as a rule.