My ‘Recce for hire’ idea lands me in jail

By  MAFTAH YUSUF

Who would have thought that one day the government would have to deploy the deadly Recce Squad to patrol the streets of Nairobi because of runaway insecurity?

Moles in the force have even hinted that the kidnappers running amok in central Kenya might have to deal with Recce if regular police keep sleeping on the job. I know you are wondering how I, Timbuktu, an alien ‘anayevumilia kuwa mkenya’ fits into all this security matrix. I am a businessman. An entrepreneur who makes a fortune supplying human needs.

My research has indicated persistently that people long for the days they could walk about their business in total bliss without being mugged, bothered by chokoraa or committing their life’s savings to paying off ransoms.

Rehabilitated gangsters

That is why I shall be starting, due to great public demand, ‘Recce for Hire’. I am sure my clients will include all the big corporates who want to secure their gazillions from the murderous gangs that have taken over the city.

But to realise my dream, I have to recruit which should be easy owing to the great number of unemployed individuals. And since this is going to be a family outfit, Michelle, my wife will be the brand ambassador.

“Honey,” I call her: “Give first priority to former gangsters who were rehabilitated by Nairobi Senator, Mike Sonko. At least they are experienced in handling guns,” I instruct.

“That is fine by me,” she answers, “Just hurry up so that we can get this exciting venture up and running,” she responds.

I strike a deal with an Asian uniforms supplier down River Road who wants special rates for sewing the ‘Recce for Hire’ logo on the shirt pockets. The man is a conman, he knows am in a hurry and makes me pay for my desperation.

I get back at the Timbuktu residence with 10 uniforms under my arm to find Michelle already assembled an army of ten of the toughest, meanest looking hoodlums in our yard.

One who claims to have a military history is making the rest march up and down the compound in a single file. They salute as soon as they learn I am the boss.

“Bonga Buda,” this comes after the salute. I have to lay down the rules early with this crew or things might degenerate fast.

“The name is Timbuktu and not Buda. I am offering you a simple job for which you will be paid handsomely,” I inform my people. But first things first.

“How many have ever been to jail?” I ask. All the 10 hands shoot up. I pretend I am not startled and ask the next question. “How many have ever participated in rape?” again all the hands go up save for a short guy who has a permanently scared look on his face.

“So this is the ‘purest’ soldier we have,” I ask the rest only to be informed that he was a victim of rape while they had been incarcerated at Kamiti. “If this info leaks out you shall all be fired,” I threaten. “A good soldier knows how to keep his eyes open and mouth shut.”

With a trusted name like Recce, getting business will not be difficult and I therefore approach my first client. This happens to be the neighbourhood supermarket who have been hit by bandits a record five times this year.

When I sit down with the proprietor, the man is moaning how the police have neglected them and they have to pay protection money to a local extortion ring.

“Just sign along the dotted line and my Recce will guarantee you are one safe Kenyan. The man signs and I deploy two of my meanest looking personnel to man the entrance of his store.

Of course, they are only armed with Rungus but I assure them that talks are underway with IG Kimaiyo so that they can get licenced guns.

Innocent bystander

After sealing a couple more deals around town, I head home in the evening with several bank slips from all the deposit I collected.

We are having a swell time with the wife when suddenly a loud knock almost brings down the door.

 Alas and alack! It’s the police.

With them is the supermarket guy who came along to point out the ‘ring leader’.

“Afande Ndio Huyu,” he tells the officers. I am informed of my right to remain silent. The news that I am being charged with running an extortion ring comes as a surprise as I usually conduct all my business over the counter.

“Officer, he brought the same people who force me to pay protection money claiming to be their manager. They said their gang is going digital and that is why they are updating records. He even left me a copy of the contract.”

The police said they had been looking for the brains behind the notorious gang for so long and were happy to have nabbed me. It turned out that all my people had a record. An innocent bystander like me is cooling heels in a jail cell.

Fellow investors beware. We are better off taking our money to Timbuktu.