Harmless ogling or flirting with disaster?

By Kiplang’at JeremiahThere is a road from the eye to heart that does not go through the intellect. These are the words of G K Chesterton, the 20th century English writer. Going by this quote, it is easy to see why the eye has caused joy and pain in equal measure to many lovers. Eyes, also seen as the window to the soul, facilitate the growth of a relationship. However, the same organ that allows us to appreciate beauty has destroyed relationships. Many might see it as evil, but ogling, which is staring lustfully at people of the opposite sex with no promise of a relationship, is a favourite past-time for many people across the age, sex and status board. Many say it is harmless, but is it really? Is it a form of indiscipline? Ogling always has a sexual connotation. A man who ogles will always think beyond innocent appreciation, and will only admire the erotic areas of the body, like the breasts, hips, buttocks and legs. He will also toy around with the idea of how having sex with that woman would be like. Pleasure and contentmentBenard Mumo says that ogling women gives him a lot of pleasure and satisfaction. A resident of Komarock estate in Nairobi, Mumo says he has a weakness for a well-shaped bosom. "I first look at the breasts and then head downward. It is natural for a man to admire a beautiful woman, right?" he asks.Mumo is not alone in this thrilling hobby. "I usually look at their (women’s) eyes and then catch the ride of the chest before finally settling on the legs," confesses Mumo, a shopkeeper in Nairobi. He says the women he ogles often shy away, but some are trapped by his snare and give him more time to indulge his senses."Women like to be stared at. It makes them feel attractive. And even when they resist at first, it’s just a game," he avers.James plies this trade too. However, he does it with care, as he does not want to face the wrath of ‘the other man’. He narrates a past experience where he was caught and disciplined to train his eye. James was in a city hotel when a couple entered and sat opposite him. Naturally, his eyes landed on the woman, who was striking. He caught her eye and winked, and the lady winked right back. As he was checking her out, the man she was with noticed and after a brief argument with the woman, accosted James, asking him what he was seeking in his wife. He eventually had to walk out ashamed. Says he: "Since then, I do not ogle everyone — only beautiful and well endowed single women. These ones are very cooperative and some give me the ‘go ahead’ look sooner than later." Though ogling is considered men’s mainstay, some women are active in this art too.Wairimu*, single, and a journalist, says she checks out attractive men for fun and would never agree to have sex with her ogling mates. Doing it tactfully"I love exchanging sticky glances with heartthrobs at the office, in restaurants and even in matatus, but I would never entertain the thought of going beyond that," says Wairimu. Asked whether ogling is the same as flirting, she says it isn’t. "First comes the fixed gaze, then the intention to attract the target’s attention, then active flirting. I don’t flirt because I don’t actively pursue the men. I just admire their assets, which for me are a small, tight derriere and tall, athletic frame. Of course…the eyes…a man must be able to play using his eyes," she says.Jennifer works in a boutique in Nakuru and has a strong penchant for smartly dressed men. "Why not? If someone is well dressed, he deserves the attention and I will look at him hoping he will notice me," she says.Beatrice Njambi, an accountant in Nairobi, is married but enjoys ogling. She says it is harmless and gives her the kick, especially when the men reciprocate."I only do it when I am alone," she confesses.She says her husband ogles too, and she has caught him staring severally while driving past beautiful women and in the pubs. However she always forgives him because she understands the joy in doing it.Janet does not agree. She argues that men interested in her should talk to her, not stare amorously at her. She does not entertain at all the ‘wicked glances’, which she says are only meant to lure her. She believes the inner motive with those who ogle is to have sex, and finds it a disrespectful habit. "I nip such stares with a no-nonsense look and would not allow anyone to ogle me, whatever the circumstances. I hate it that men think that they can smear us with suggestive stares everywhere, even on the streets. And because we encourage it, they end up slapping our behinds, whistling at us as if we are dogs, and sometimes, raping us," says a fuming Janet.Janet says she will never allow her husband to ogle another woman. Warns she: "If he does, that will be the end of our relationship."Women who talked to Woman’s Instinct believe that men who ogle are cowards and are unable to take the initiative to approach them.Why do it anyway?"Why should someone ogle or flirt with me. He should just come and talk rather than stare at me," says Margaret, a secretary from Zimmerman. She has been a victim of many ogling men and believes it is because of her beauty."I try hard to avoid them but some are persistent," she claims. She, however, does not entertain them. She boldly takes a step to halt the persistent eyes by pointing or shouting at the men.Though many women detest ogling, some love it and would do everything to get more men to ogle them."I feel good when I am ogled because I know I am beautiful. Let’s not pretend; it makes us feel better than the girl next door," says Winnie Koech, a university student. "It feels really bad when you enter a room and nobody shows interest in you. I can deal with a disrespectful stare — but not with being totally ignored," adds Winnie.Lovers get hurt when their partners ogle, because it is an expression of sexual interest. What you are saying is that you are attracted to someone else. At its worst, ogling results in the habit of seeking women out in their private places — while undressing in their bedrooms or in the toilets — thus the term Peeping Tom. At this point, ogling has become an obsession. Anderson is currently separated with his wife of six months. She says he has a relationship with her little sister, who lived with them. But he says he never went past undressing her with his eyes. "I like admiring women. It’s a habit I started while in campus and that I enjoy, especially when I’m with the boys. We make crude jokes and it’s fun. We know how to keep off women who would disapprove of our advances. But I think I’m now hooked, because I could not keep my eyes off my wife’s sister. I knew it hurt her, and that’s why I denied it," confesses Anderson.AddictionHe also reveals that he often takes pictures of women’s behinds as they walk away. Says he: "I use my phone to take snaps or videos of those I ogle so I can look at them later." The Swahili proverb, macho hayana pazia (there is no curtain for the eyes) is a perfect excuse for those who engage in ogling. "Kuona ni bure," concludes Beatrice, adding that ogling is an appreciation of beauty. Most of those who do say there is a skill to it. "It’s like a lion luring a gazelle," he says, adding: "It doesn’t just run up to the prey and pounce. It circles it carefully, raising no alarm at first." People ogle for different reasons — for leisure, to feed an obsessive need for approval and attention, to fulfil sexual desires and as an addiction.

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