Parents: Rein in your kids for society’s sake

Teenage Smoker

Can‘t they think for more than a second? What happened to the youth of today! Who are their parents? The youth have no morals.

Acerbic statements abound about young people today. The truth is nearly everyone who is not part of Generation Y has something sore to say about them and it is not difficult to understand why.

Two weeks ago, 20 students of Chelebei Secondary School, Chepyuk, returned from half term pregnant. Last October over 500 school-going children were nabbed at a nocturnal joint in Eldoret town engaging in sexual activities and abusing alcohol and drugs.

Two months earlier, in August, a public service bus with more than 40 students was flagged down on the Karatina-Nairobi road and students were found revelling amidt loud music, drugs and racy interactions.

Most recently though, a party dubbed Project X, where no rules would apply, attracted the ire of the public. The catchphrase, ‘No one leaves a virgin’ threw many a parent into a horrific swirl of disbelief.

And yet, all that has happened could only be the tip of the iceberg.

“I worry a lot. I have two teenagers. To be honest I will never know what they are doing behind my back. I can only imagine how much goes on that as parents we know nothing about,“ Njeri Mwangi*, a Nairobi parent asked.

A study conducted in December 2014 by research firm Infotrak Harris, found that 43 per cent of people aged 10 to 35 years in Kenya believe there is nothing wrong with sex outside marriage.

Also, 60 per cent of those interviewed admitted to a first sexual encounter before turning 18.

“This is not how it should be,” says Tom Lichuma, a father of seven. “Our young people are falling deeper into debauchery. This is not going to build our society - it will break it.”

Lichuma, who is also a co-author of books on parenting and marriage, believes that parents are the primary source of wisdom and knowledge on sexuality.

He says: “Our children learn from home. What they see and hear at home is what they adopt. If a parent does not take it upon themselves to talk to their children from a young age, they leave room for media, friends and colleagues to fill their minds with information that may not be necessarily correct.”

That, Lichuma says, is where the rain starts beating both parent and child.

When his generation was growing up, “ ...parents monitored us keenly and every wrong turn was met with immediate correction. During initiation, sexuality was taught and morality was cherished.”

Many parents still fight with the idea of talking about sex with their adolescents. Not long ago, parents hid behind answers such as ‘babies are bought in the supermarket’ to avoid delving into these perceived ‘murky‘ waters.

Lucy Kung‘u of the United States International University (USIU) says sex, as a subject, became taboo when missionaries arrived in Africa and insisted it was not proper before marriage.

“These missionaries made it clear that sex could not be thought about or even mentioned unless within the confines of marriage,” she says.

However, in the 21st century, the responsibility of teaching children about sex has been given back to parents and now parts of Africa are playing catch-up.

“Every parent has to address sex with their child,” Kung‘u, a psychologist and counsellor, says.

“Young people today are more exposed to sex than before. The Internet and media has made it easy for them to access sexual material and this is what they will assimilate if their parents do not talk to them.”

Her sentiments are echoed by 23-year-old David Benzema who says he first learned about sex at 13 after “watching a scene in a movie”.

David‘s understanding of sex is that “it is something that should happen between people who love each other.” He however, does not mind that young people are increasingly adopting risqué lifestyles.

“It‘s a stage in life and I think sex is fine as long as there is consent. If you are a teenager and not doing it then you are not living properly: it may mess you in future,” he says.

David‘s recollection of sex education from his mother is mostly fuzzy. But just two weeks ago, he had the ‘talk’ with her when she told him to be careful with girls and to avoid unplanned pregnancies.

David Emachar, deputy head teacher of Chelebei, accused parents of not supporting the school‘s efforts to keep girls safe from premarital sex. “We give guidance and counselling but parents must also keep an eye on their children,” he said.

Something else worries Margaret Nkorogo, a teacher at Chacha Maroa Primary School in Kuria and that is the retrogressive traditions that contribute negatively to young people‘s view of sexuality.

The teacher faults teachings given during circumcision which give the nod for initiates to engage in sexual relations.

“Girls become rowdy after circumcision as do boys. They feel that they are now grown men and women who can do as they please.”

A spot check in different communities in Kenya - Maasai, Samburu, Kisii and Luhya - show similar tendencies. In most cases initiation is quickly followed by marriage.

“These lessons do not apply in today‘s world,” Kung‘u points out. “Life has changed over the years and there is so much to be done before young adults can engage in sex - such as pursuing an education and career.”

The average parent wishes for the best path of growth and development for their child. Take Esther Muthini for instance. She admits that she was not lucky to have someone in a position of trust who could address the subject of sex while she was growing up.

“My peers learned about sexuality on the go since our parents were not bold enough to talk to us. Looking back, I would have loved to be sat down and offered proper information about love and sex,“ she says.

Esther has gone on to make a difference with her own daughter Njambi who says her mother has been a “good friend” who has taught her a lot about sexuality and what womanhood is all about.

We are in the technological era and many things are becoming obsolete but no matter how advanced we get, parental influence will always be needed.

Kung‘u says a parent, or guardian, is still the best placed to influence their child‘s beliefs and understanding of everything that matters in life.