The earthquake that was Harold and I announcing a joint ticket did not have its intended impact. Instead of shaking the village, it shook a villager: Harold.

Immediately after the announcement, Sue called me. I had made a mistake, she said. I was a betrayer, she insisted. Had I not received a message that she wanted me in her camp?

I asked her who she had sent to me and she said she had instructed Harold to pass the message. For the first time in my decorated career of deputising Harold, in which I have been involved in a lot of charitable activities such as picking Harold from the gutter when he is drunk, I thought Sue was not intelligent enough.

“How,” I asked, “do you send a hyena to fetch you meat?”

Sue move away from noisy drunkards who were, in the background, singing, “Away with Harlot,” which is how they chose to pronounce my new alliance with Harold, Harolte.

“Listen, Pete,” she said. “You should not have listened to Harold. You should have listened to that inner voice that tells you to join my party.”

I do not have an inner voice, but she made sense. How do you support a man who sucks out the avocado seed and then swallows the rest of the fruit like a pill? Someone who is the reason Gitegi has been in the stranglehold of climate change for years? 

I told Sue I was decamping and was about to ask how much she was going to pay if I honoured her wish and jumped parties, when she said I was better off with Harold. She was disgruntled with me and was going to take time to process what she had just heard. “How, Pete? How?”

Like the consummate professional I am, I wrote Harold an official letter protesting his decision to keep Sue’s message away from me. I told him he was not the ideal candidate for my party, and I would hold a bigger party than our party once he lost. I admitted I was ready to sabotage his bid. I told him I was going on a hunger strike.

But I realised he would love the hunger strike as he would have more to eat. I withdrew that and said I would simply strike. But I knew he would love to make a joke about Harambee Stars lacking a striker, and that I should look for an opportunity there.

Just about then, Paul, who is my new detective, stumbled into the room.

He had overheard at the shopping centre, that Sue had told Harold she wanted me in her party so that a panicked Harold would pick me as his running mate.

Sue would then go around telling the masses that I was there to help Harold rig elections and manipulate decisions.

“This is a corrupt ticket!” she was planning to tell the village. “There is conflict of interest and do you not think Harold should even resign?”

In Harold’s camp, I am a threat to his re-election. But if I joined Sue, I would help her clinch the win. She had indeed sent the hyena to fetch her meat, but wanted the hyena to eat it.

Sue is looking for that sympathy vote. However, she aims to make me part of her team when elections come. She will wait until Harold realises he is losing with me as his running mate. She will then take me as her running mate. I am in high demand, ladies and gentlemen. Avocado has nothing on me. ?