The audacity of modern house helps

By Maloba Andati

A Kiswahili saying goes that when the cat is away, the rat reigns. It seems to have been coined with Kenya’s house girls in mind.

These girls — and a good number of women, too — have come up with new ideas and styles of operating that will leave one in stitches.

Recently we took a tour of Nairobi’s estates to have a feel of what the house servants — the politically correct term now is domestic technicians — do when their bosses are away.

From playing ‘private detectives’ to ‘top executives’, we found that these women were having a whale of a time, often at the boss’s expense. Some even keep an eye on their own employers!

Alice, a housemaid in Komarock, told us how she had successfully set a trap for her wayward female boss. Alice explained that for a long time, working as a house girl had not been a bed of roses. For instance, the woman of the house would scold her every morning before leaving for work with her husband. Being an orphan, she persevered because there was no one to turn to.

She explains that for a long time, she had suspected that the woman was being unfaithful to her husband judging from the hours she would come home whenever her husband, who travels outside the country frequently, was away. She decided to play detective, though cautiously lest she lost her job. One day when she woke up to answer a call of nature, she heard some whispers in the house. The man of the house had left for a week’s duty upcountry.

When she investigated, she realised that the husband’s driver was in the house. Out of curiosity, she looked through a crack in the door and saw him enter the master bedroom with the mother of the house. They were embracing!

To show them that she had discovered their evil ways, she woke up at 5am and went to sit in the sitting room so that when they woke up they would find her there. The two lovebirds embraced again as they came out of the bedroom. The woman almost collapsed from shock when she turned and saw Alice watching. She hurriedly bid the driver goodbye and then went back to sweet talk the house girl.

The woman was shocked when the house girl showed her photos on her phone that she had taken when she saw the woman and driver canoodling in the family vehicle.

The two struck a deal that the house girl would not tell the husband what had transpired ‘while you were away’ on condition that she was treated kindly. She says that from that moment the woman started treating her so well that even the husband was surprised, recalling how cruel she had been to her earlier.

Smiling happily, Alice says her investigative activities paid off even further when the woman went on to sponsor her for a course at the Kenya Polytechnic.

In Buru Buru Phase Four, we find a couple of housemaids crowded at the gate to one of the courts. They are chatting and laughing animatedly. A passerby would be prompted to take a closer look and perhaps also get to share in the joy.

Silly games

They are all wearing what seems like expensive shoes such that one is tempted to wonder if they actually are house girls.

Shortly, three hawkers approach from the opposite direction. They are hawking women’s wear: Blouses, skirts and headscarves. The girls stop them and request to be given the items to try them on.

Each takes a number of items and they compare notes on what fits whom. One of them moves aside and makes a call. They then pick the ones they like and then start haggling over prices with the evidently thrilled hawkers.

After a while, a photographer appears on a bicycle. One motions him to come to where they are standing. Quickly, they pose for a group photo. No sooner does the photographer leave than they remove the clothes and give them back to the hawkers, telling them that their prices are too high.

The hawkers are livid, accusing them of having wasted their precious time for no reason.

The girls laugh in unison, as if to tell the hawkers that they are done with their business. After a bitter exchange, the hawkers leave and continue peddling their wares in the estate. This, however, does not seem to dampen the girls’ spirits.

The girls sit back, perhaps waiting for yet another hawker so that they can repeat what they did with the first lot. After a short while, a woman selling jackets shows up. She is delighted when they beckon her to come over. Her excitement is evident from the radiant smile on her face. She hopes to make a killing.

The process is repeated. The girls choose and try out various garments as they criticise and compliment each other. In a flash, the photo man reappears. After he’s done with clicking away, the girls slowly remove the jackets and hand them back to the hawker.

She curses them for wasting her time but leaves when she realises that the girls are not concerned.

Perhaps feeling their goal has been achieved — being photographed in expensive, trendy wear — they head back to their respective houses. I later learn that they do this often.

A life of deceit

They ‘borrow’ their bosses’ shoes for a while and get trendy clothes from hawkers, and then they are photographed together. They then use the photos to convince their friends that they were holding an ‘executive’ meeting.

Others have the audacity to invite their boyfriends to their bosses’ houses and cheat them that they belong to their families. My friend Alex once found himself in such a situation when a young woman invited him to what she claimed was their home in Kimathi Estate.

He visited the house on a number of occasions, with the girl telling him her parents — actually the bosses — worked as top executives in town. She claimed to be a student at the University of Nairobi.

One day Alex was shocked when he was caught in the house watching a movie with her. The man of the house had just walked in to find a stranger. He was given a dressing down and the girl lambasted for bringing strangers to the house while neglecting her duties. That’s when Alex realised that he had been dating a house girl.

The tech-savvy ones have gone a notch higher by utilizing the power of ICT to achieve their goals. Some register with the numerous dating agencies in town, posing as college students. They will then take their photos together with photos of the house where they work and upload them on the Internet, indicating their status as ‘students’ to potential suitors.

Sharing ideas

This they do by learning some IT jargon, which they use to convince their ‘prey’ that they are IT-savvy. And when a potential suitor gives them a phone call, they fake an American accent comparable to the one displayed by Conjestina when she came back from a one-month stint in the US.

In Umoja Innercore, we find yet another group seated near the estate’s residential hall, chatting excitedly. We learn that they are holding a ‘Kamukunji’.

This is when they share ideas on how to beat their bosses’ traps and display a sense of comradeship. One informs her colleagues that for a long time, she has not been allowed to watch the television because the remote is hidden. Her colleagues teach the seemingly naÔve girl how to operate TV manually. She’s then taken through the paces and cautioned to always ensure that the channel is left is unchanged.

And clearly, they appear to have been watching a lot of Nigerian movies. They share episodes from these movies that seem to thrill them quite a lot. They then come up with proposals on what to do, borrowing heavily from the scenes.

Most seem to believe everything they see in the movies.

It was Mark Twain who once wrote, "I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the ‘lower animals’ (so-called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me."