Mother-in-law not a monster after all

By Mami Kamami

A Facebook update from my friend Wangui on International Women’s Day was the wake up call I needed to get my relationship with my mother-in-law in order.

Wangui was appreciating the two most important women in her life — her mum and mum-in-law, and the things she wrote about them.

I would never have had such sentimental words for my own mother, leave alone my mother-in-law.

How come some women got so lucky to get the perfect mothers-in-law, who loved them like they were their own children, supported them, encouraged them to achieve in their careers, left them to their own means and only showed up when needed, I paused at that thought.

Wasn’t that the kind of mother-in-law I had, the kind many women longed to have? Right before my wedding, Patty’s mum had been anything but nice towards me. I had conveniently ignored her in turn. After all it wasn’t her I was marrying. If I wasn’t her dream of Patty’s wife, well, too bad.

Warm wave of emotion

But she has slowly thawed over the two years we have been married and come to think of it, she had never stood in my way or that of my family. She had never commented on my parenting, housekeeping, cooking or relationship skills unlike my own mother who thought it was her prerogative to have my family brought up her way.

Patty’s mother hardly ever visited — which I truly appreciated and she also didn’t seem to hold any grudge against us. Whenever we visited her, she tried really hard to treat me like I was just another woman, even her girlfriend, filling me in on the local gossip.

I felt mean for having locked her out of our lives. Immediately I picked up the phone and scrolled to her number. I paused between pressing the call button, wondering what it is I really wanted to say to her. That I had missed her? No, that wouldn’t work. That I appreciated her keeping off our lives? That wouldn’t do either. Two thought-racking minutes later and I dialled her number. I would flow with the tide and if need be, tell the truth. The phone rang three times on the other end before someone picked it up.

Rare gesture

"Habari mami?" the warm and slightly breathy voice of my mother-in-law answered from the other end.

A warm wave of emotion swept over me. She had called me ‘mami’ so sweetly.

"I’m fine mum," I answered in Kiswahili. "How is home?"

"Home is fine. We have missed you here. When are you coming to visit? Bring Kamami over so she can play with her grandfather. What’s the point of being a grandparent if we never get to spoil our grandchildren?"

The small talk continued. Soon I was pushed into promising to take Kamami to visit within the month. And then I had extended an invitation for her to visit.

"I will come soon my daughter. Just that my knees have been giving me trouble and they make it very hard to travel for long distances," she answered back.

I hadn’t known that she had trouble with her knees. I knew a good orthopaedic doctor who had worked on my mother’s back problem. She was really good.

"Mum, I know this doctor who could help you with your knees. She is really good. May be you should come over next week and I will take you to her," I suggested.

She was overwhelmed with joy at my suggestion. She would be coming the next week. And I was still trying to understand how I got to invite my mother-in-law to my house so casually.