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Time Kenya changed her name to Kelelestan
Your pub is bound to sound like an asylum – six television sets broadcasting two different football leagues and four Naija movies.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Time Kenya changed her name to Kelelestan
Playing with fire has always been a national pastime in these parts
I shudder to imagine the horror and terror of being smack in the middle of a petroleum explosion.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Playing with fire has always been a national pastime in these parts
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Circumcision has never been so overrated
I have had reason to question whether I should have been a skirt wearer; the logic being that a man is circumcised to be fearless, immune to suffering
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Circumcision has never been so overrated
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Government is that hapless parent who gave up on rogue children
I also don’t mind actual government employees who only turn up to ghost around government premises, sniffing government oxygen.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Government is that hapless parent who gave up on rogue children
Sometimes, the old ways are the best
Unlike hotels where you can be ordered to peel potatoes if you are unable to pay the bill, what the heck do you do at a petrol station? Fix punctures?
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Sometimes, the old ways are the best
Blimey, we are now naming elephants!
I wonder how they will feel when elephants named after them are shot dead by rangers
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Blimey, we are now naming elephants!
Don’t waste university degrees on politicians, give them to voters
If voters were better educated, wananchi would not turn up at political rallies to be entertained by educated politicians with two left feet.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Don’t waste university degrees on politicians, give them to voters
Anecdotes from decades of long distance travel
I have endured bogus preachers and seen hawkers shove frilly, wild coloured innerwear in old people’s faces at bus stops.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Anecdotes from decades of long distance travel
Your greatest achievement in life is surviving the madness of youth
Surviving the idiocies, recklessness, madness and the know-it-all foolishness of youth is the biggest achievement of your life.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Your greatest achievement in life is surviving the madness of youth
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Stupidity is driving around with empty fuel can and cash in pocket
When I bought my first car, which was an awfully foolish thing to do because I couldn’t afford one, I did what every smart man does.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Stupidity is driving around with empty fuel can and cash in pocket
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Bachelor’s degrees? Prof Magoha, just get rid of all of them please
So by training, I am supposed to be familiar with matters related to the Bachelor of Education degree.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Bachelor’s degrees? Prof Magoha, just get rid of all of them please
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The rich are eating like rabbits while the poor take fat like kings
What I can’t fathom, however, is why what economists would call ‘Kenya’s potbelly per capita’ is rising when the Kenyan economy is shrinking.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
The rich are eating like rabbits while the poor take fat like kings
Kenya reeling from a crisis of language
The crisis of language is a national phenomenon. We neither write nor speak decent English.
By Ted Malanda 2 years ago
Kenya reeling from a crisis of language
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Women want polyandry by the horns? Big deal, give it to them!
A progressive Bill that allows women to acquire more than two husbands. Polyandry, it is called.
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Women want polyandry by the horns? Big deal, give it to them!
Why you should keep off any spat between Kisiis, Kurias
Never get caught up in a Kisii-Kuria brawl
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Why you should keep off any spat between Kisiis, Kurias
Marriage is great when the husband is not home
Love is a beautiful thing, but you can’t miss someone who is always breathing down your nose.
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Marriage is great when the husband is not home
Kenya and Uganda could as well be one country, or maybe not
Culturally, our people are so in sync that even before our presidents signed memoranda, we have always traversed either country.
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Kenya and Uganda could as well be one country, or maybe not
If the human race goes extinct, it will be good riddance
The moment all-male promulgation instruments are neutered, the rat race will end.
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
If the human race goes extinct, it will be good riddance
Nabongo was a British collaborator? Tell that to the birds
His wisdom in conning the British to fight his battles has long been vindicated.
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Nabongo was a British collaborator? Tell that to the birds
Cartels thrive in filth and confusion, just like roddents
You don’t have to gun down or jail brokers and cartels. Just clean up the filth.
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Cartels thrive in filth and confusion, just like roddents
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Divorce at midnight and the long sneaky arm of the law
"I have heard many reasons for a midnight divorce but had no clue that kifo cha mende was one of them"
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Divorce at midnight and the long sneaky arm of the law
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You will not see heaven if you don’t know people
Our colonial masters stole our land, alright, but they left behind a pretty solid civil service, which these oldies, whom we love dearly, messed up.
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
You will not see heaven if you don’t know people
Indonesian Sriwijaya Air plane missing after taking off from Jakarta
The flight was carrying 59 passengers, including five children and a baby
By Reuters 3 years ago
Indonesian Sriwijaya Air plane missing after taking off from Jakarta
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We have PhDs whose education was waste of resources – Dr Njoki Maina
She earned a doctorate in medical and molecular genetics at 27, chose the University of Nairobi over Harvard and speaks impeccable sheng
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
We have PhDs whose education was waste of resources – Dr Njoki Maina
Whites are ‘animal lovers,’ but Africans dismissed as witches
He says Kenyan universities have become repositories of intellectual rigidity and severely limited intellectual space
By Ted Malanda 3 years ago
Whites are ‘animal lovers,’ but Africans dismissed as witches
Dr Wameyo: Humble vet who loved his job and life
Kenneth was a child of privilege whose father was an assistant minister, yet he was the simplest of beings.
By Ted Malanda 4 years ago
Dr Wameyo: Humble vet who loved his job and life
Echesa: Self-made power-man loses glitter as fast as he came
Nabongo Mumia, who ruled swathes of land from Naivasha to parts of Western Uganda, never stepped inside a classroom.
By Ted Malanda 5 years ago
Echesa: Self-made power-man loses glitter as fast as he came
We raise daughters to outdo men, but teach sons to marry women beneath them
There is a huge conflict in trying raising an empowered woman who will honour matrimonial obligations
By Ted Malanda 5 years ago
We raise daughters to outdo men, but teach sons to marry women beneath them
If Jomo woke up, he'd whip Kuria senseless
Once in a while, an earth tremor rips through parts of the city of Nairobi. When that happens, the spiritually inclined shout hallelujah! and claim it is a sign of Armageddon – the end of times.
By Ted Malanda 7 years ago
If Jomo woke up, he'd whip Kuria senseless
Keep off wedding shows and beer ads, Mr Ezekiel Mutua
Immorality is a deep and complex problem that won't be sorted out by sniffing through wedding shows and beverage adverts. The immoral train pulled out of the station a long time ago and fixing it will take more than bans and the law.
By Ted Malanda 7 years ago
Keep off wedding shows and beer ads, Mr Ezekiel Mutua
A condom always bursts on a rainy day
I almost collided into a pregnant woman walking down Nairobi’s Haile Selassie Avenue, her face glowing with the youthful fragrance of those so young menopause could as well be a mouthwash.
By Ted Malanda 8 years ago
A condom always bursts on a rainy day
Eugene Wamalwa brings home his brothers 'ghost' from London
While Tinga and William Ruto were exchanging notes about who owes sugar and who licked sugar, a powerful delegation of the Baengele clan gathered in London.
By Ted Malanda 8 years ago
Eugene Wamalwa brings home his brothers 'ghost' from London
Plot against Mudavadi is baton for self-harm in Kenya Kwanza
Opinion
By Kibisu Kabatesi
4 hrs ago
Ruto had his way in picking Azimio leaders to US trip
Opinion
By Mike Nyagwoka
4 hrs ago
Too easy to tax: Why motorists are an easy target for Treasury
Business
By Macharia Kamau
4 hrs ago